Is it really still narcissism if they're fine half the time but the other half they're not?

I feel like I'm always in such a middle ground with my mom. When she's mean she says things that I know are things no mother should say to her child. And she has a control problem where she doesn't like me going out at all (like with my friends even though i rarely go maybe once a week or so) and doesn't like my best friend because she's "corrupting me against her" and whatnot. (She has straight up told me many times that I used to study better when I didn't have friends). We have had huge arguments about the tracking app on my phone which is for "safety" but ofcourse it's her literally stalking me all the time and yelling at me for hanging out somewhere with my friends on the way home from whatever class and all that.

But then on the other half of the days I feel so guilty and like a spoilt brat for hating her and that she's only human too. I don't get beat up either (which, living in a south asian household is a huge miracle) but I've always been yelled at that i would've turned out better if i was. (Apparently my dad spoilt me too much because he doesn't yell at me and that I'm just like my dad).

She's always screaming all the time though which is not nice. (I've been having dreams the last few days of her screaming at me in my dreams too with me begging her to stop lmao).

But then I feel like it's my fault too. The only things i know are my faults are that

1. I don't do chores often enough

2. I don't clean my room

3. I sleep too late and wake up too late (thus skipping breakfast sometimes)

4. And that I don't eat enough. (I've always been underweight and have this fainting problem sometimes)

5. I masturbate under my blanket sometimes and she doesn't like that I do. (probably something to do with the religion stuff) (Funny how even when she yells at me for it she has never directly said the word but threatens to say the word indirectly. Like she implies that she knows what I'm doing under there and to stop)

See now these are real reasons that a parent that cares for their child to be mad about (except the masturbation part). But it just always feels like way too goddamn much and when her "record player" as i like to call it where she starts yelling about everything that's ever been wrong instead of just this particular issue and always blows little things way out of proportion like making failure to do chores as a moral failing

My brother is her favourite, though she doesn't even notice it i think. There was the **Diary Incident™** about 2-3 years ago (when i was struggling with depression and *the other thing*) where she went snooping like she did (she used to check my phone all the time until my dad told her to stop) and she found my vent diary and it had a load of shit talking about her and about how it feels like she's partial to my brother. Instead of being the adult in the situation, she wrote me a literal letter with bible symbolism about some prodigal son bs and Jesus going after the one lost sheep leaving 99 sheeps behind. Yes, dramatic.

Also, she's emotionally immature. That's a fact. She literally throws tantrums like a child. And her version of silent treatment is that she "refuses to be my mother if i don't do as she wants"

I used to want her to pay attention to me (my brother was weaker in studies and i wanted attention from her too when she'd mostly only pay attention to him) when I was much smaller and was technically "gifted" which raised everyone's standards and made me a perfectionist kind of. Which was terrible for my last 2 years where i was completely burnt out and even then got scores that are actually pretty damn impressive, okay? But I was told i could've done better and didn't reach my potential. *Fucking potential*.

I know she's not a "normal" parent for sure because i know this isn't normal really. Not only that but also because it's affected my mental health in really, really negative ways for like 5 years now—was actually depressed for about two whole years I'm doing better since last year somehow, still get anxiety stuff a lot (especially when she's home, but sometimes not too), and well this one isn't her fault but although undiagnosed I'm also neurodivergent and thus more sensitive to her antics.

And ofcourse there's a lot more hurtful things along with this. (Genuinely it's really hurtful and is always running through my head but i don't wanna say here

But. She's nice the other half of the time. I get bought things I want most of the time. We order food often too. I dunno.. like i understand it isn't "normal" and I'm for sure going to leave home in four years after college is over. And I know that like i don't *love* her really. Like, even though I'm not close with my brother i actually love him. I don't think I love my mom. She hates me. Well, half of the time atleast. There's no doubt that she hates me in that half though, cause she says a lot that if it wasn't for me half the fights between her and dad wouldn't happen.

I know that if I'm better, it would make the situation better. But up until 5 years ago when I was still trying to be that perfect girl it didn't get me anywhere which is exactly why i started this "teenage rebellion" if you could even call it that when I'm simply just trying to live my life and there's my mom having a problem with that.