I watched four hours of trash TV just to avoid being alone with my own thoughts

I got off work at five today and immediately drove to a gas station parking lot down the street from my apartment. I sat in my car with the AC running for forty minutes just scrolling through social media, not even really reading anything, just watching videos on mute. I was so exhausted from answering emails and talking to customers all day, but I couldn't bring myself to drive home because I knew the second I walked into my quiet living room, the fog would just set right back in.

When I finally went inside, I didn't turn on the lights. I just turned on the TV in the dark and put on some random reality show I don't even like. I ate dry cereal out of a plastic cup because washing a bowl felt like a massive ordeal.

I used to paint almost every weekend. I have an easel sitting in the corner of my bedroom with a canvas that’s been half-finished since last October. My mom asked me last night on the phone if I’ve worked on any new pieces lately, and I just lied and told her I’ve been too busy with work. But the truth is I just look at the paints and feel nothing. No inspiration, no desire, just this heavy blank feeling.

My sister texted me three times this week asking if I want to go get coffee on Saturday. I haven't replied yet. I keep opening the text, typing out "Yeah, sounds good," and then deleting it because the energy required to sit across from someone, make eye contact, and pretend I’m doing fine feels completely impossible right now.

I’m so tired of this cycle where I spend all day at work acting like a normal human being, and then the second I’m alone, I just collapse into a ghost. I don't really expect anyone to fix this, I just really needed to get it out of my head before I try to sleep.