One week today. Haven't had confirmation, but I know.

(Was unsure whether to mark this as anticipatory or ambiguous grief!)

(TW: mention of self-harm, depression, and obviously suicide)

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My best friend. A week ago.

I say best friend, I (34M) actually liked him so much. I had a lot of love for him (33M)... I felt like, in time, he may have felt the same (through things I knew, noticed, observed)

But I was rather drunk that Wednesday evening, and said about a couple of things that had hurt me that he'd said/done.

What I didn't know, was that he'd start self-harming as a result... Next thing I know, whilst we're on the phone, I hear, "oh, fuck"... I ask, he explains. Then his mother walks in.

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I ask if I should ring an ambulance. I can't remember what he said, but I did it anyway. I'm guessing he said yes, or I told him I still would.

I message him a bit more, tell him I love him, and to stay alive. There's a bunch more emotive messages than that, but I guess that goes without saying.

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He tells me his parents are taking him in the car, as ambulance told them it'd be hours. This was all around 8pm.

I then get three messages from him at 11.42pm, in this exact order:

- You're better off without me.

- Everyone is.

- I'm at hospital I'm safe

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Naturally, hearing he's safe was a relief... Until it wasn't.

I had fallen asleep, so I couldn't reply. I woke about 3.45. Sent him a chain of messages on WhatsApp. All one tick.

I have tried a number of things since... Calls, texts, WhatsApp. Email. Call from withheld. Phone still off. Email from secondary email. Calling the police (unhelpful). Calling hospitals in his area a couple days later (as there are a number of them), none say he's there.

At this point now, I have heard nothing still. I sent a letter to his parents, that would have turned up today, explaining my concern, and leaving my contact details (my 2 numbers, my email, my address).

I've met his mum before, and we got on quite well. She'd have rang or emailed, I'm sure.

I left my address, so they could still write. But I doubt it... I think this is just it now. Eternal silence.

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I sound presumptuous, I know. But he cared a lot for me, as I did him. We messaged and called a lot, I know he had love for me, if even just as a best friend.

**There is no way in hell** he wouldn't reach out if he could do. He initiated a lot of the calls and messages (we both did almost equally, but he called me more often, and loved to speak with me).

I've been trying to wrap my head round it. People initially told me 2 or 3 days ago that there's potentially rational reasons.

I don't see that, when I know him as well. It's just something I feel. He knows how I'd feel if there was no response from him, and he was sweet, caring, patient and loving.

I'm not sure where I go from here?

Most people I've spoken to have been so patient and kind, and understanding (I spoke to 4 or 5 friends to help me vent, and my dad and my 2 sisters). Most were understanding, barring one friend, and my dad.

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I mentioned to my dad about how I might end up feeling suicidal if I hear nothing (I have overdosed a number of times in the past. Last time I had 2 seizures (45 sec and then 2 min), to be intubated, and was in ICU). He was utterly dismissive. Any emotional talk and he switches off, which is the last thing I need.

Anyway. Like I say.

I don't know where I go from here.