I (17F) feel overly possessive of my boyfriend (18M) and although I never verbalise or act on it, I feel cruel.

It’s sort of what it says on the tin - I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now, and I absolutely love him, I wouldn’t change a thing! Yet at the same time, sometimes, I feel too possessive over him.

it’s not even a matter of ‘other girls,’ I don’t actually care very much about him speaking to other girls! The thing is, I know he’s faithful, he is good and true, but even when he’s talking to shared friends - OUR friends - I feel my chest tighten and myself get jealous, I find myself feeling bitter and jealous over little things, over things I can’t control or things that don’t matter, I’ve never ever verbalised to him these things, I keep them all deep down inside me, I never ever behave in such a way - the last thing I want to do is hurt anybody.

I was in a previous relationship when I was 14-15 years old with a former mutual friend that soured very quickly, and I was kept far away (as in, I never received the attention I provided) and was emotionally abused and degraded regularly, much of it was deeply traumatic and I felt incredibly unloved, even outside of my romantic relationships, a part of me feels like this desperation for connection in platonic relationships and the abuse I faced in my prior romantic relationship has made me emotionally clingy and possessive, but I’m not sure.

A part of me always nags at me, telling me I don’t love him - that I’m just using him to move on, and that I’ll turn out the same, I’ll continue the cycle and abuse him. I know I won’t - I don’t, I love him so deeply, but there’s always this side of me telling me I’m doing everything wrong, that I’m awful and disgusting.

I love him, and I want to change for him, even if it’s a change he will not truly notice. Does anybody have any advice? Or even just someone to reassure me or even give their perspective, maybe relate? Any and all responses are welcome.