I asked God to give me HIV if I hooked up again and I did. Suddenly I’m feeling every HIV symptom literally 2 hours later

Last month I had a sexual encounter where I engaged in a high risk act that can cause HIV. It was not my intention but I kind of froze when the guy wanted to do it and let him. I freaked out after and got on pep(a drug that effectively has a 100% chance of preventing hiv if taken correctly daily. I’ve abstained from any sexual sin and I felt extremely good. However, out of nowhere, a switch flipped in my head and I just wanted to be with a man so bad. I looked if it was possible to transmit HIV while on PEP and saw that Pep suppresses the virus if taken correctly which prevents transmission. On top of that the drug would work to prevent future infections and other people could be on prep, which means that I would have no chance of spreading it. I ended up going to the bathhouse and felt so much guilt that when I prayed to God, I asked him to give me HIV if I ever had sex with a man again, because he’s given me so many chances in the past to change my path after engaging in sin.

I ended up going again on Tuesday and as soon as I got home, I felt an extreme sickness suddenly hit me. I have a constant splitting headache, my throat is extremely sore, I feel so much body weakness/fatigue/tiredness and I have a fever all over my body. Some other STDS show one or two of these symptoms but the STD which covers all of this is HIV, and it’s been 3 weeks since I was exposed, which is the around the average incubation period of HIV.

I could say that maybe the pep failed at the start, that it’s another STD, or that my encounters on Friday led to HIV, but these would be an astronomically rare event. I feel like I am being punished and I can’t even say anything because I asked for it. I will be able to get a possible confirmation next week and I will have to perform following checks up to be on the safer side.

It feels unfair that there’s people who engage in “sinful” lifestyles for their entire life who have perfectly normal and stable lives but whenever I do something that I always get punished for it. Ever since I started porn and masturbation my life has went on a significant downwards trajectory. Ever since I started to abstain from masturbation for days/weeks my life would significantly improve and I would experience blessings. Then I’d relapse and everything would go away. I’m very skeptical of attributing things to the supernatural but I cannot deny my lived experience for the last 5 years.

Also to be completely honest, after experiencing gay sex, and watching a fair amount of documentaries about queer people, I do not really see the big deal in homosexuality. Sure, there’s negatives to promiscuity, but it’s hard for me to understand why homosexuality is inherently bad in every case. I’m not saying I’m right, but it’s how I feel.

This is a vent post and (maybe) a warning.