I have not been allowed to heal, nor have I been able to find any form of rehabilitation.

I’m 21 and have been struggling with attachment issues, abandonment issues, physical and emotional regulation issues as well as a few other things that have existed for as long as I can remember. All of these issues come from the absence of several fundamental foundational supports, experiences, and needs in my life that have consistently gone unmet.

All throughout my life I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere or to anyone, I’ve never had someone in my life who I could feel safe around who helped me feel grounded and I am unable to do those things for myself. I am in desperate need of physical co-regulation and the need for another persons safe containing presence and I’ve reached a point in my life now where I know that something needs to change because I can’t keep living this way as the pain, dysregulation, and profound emptiness that I am experiencing from these absences and lack of fundamental experiences has slowly been tearing me apart from the inside out as time goes on.

I have been to therapists that specialize in childhood trauma, attachment issues, nervous system regulation, and I have been to psychiatrists as well, but nobody is willing or able to provide me with the help I need and I have been met with consistent rejection due to boundaries, ethics, professionalism, worries over attachment, and unconventionalism. I have reached out to every single system and form of support and help that is available that I could think of, and so far I have been unable to find anyone who is able and willing to provide me with the type of experiences and help that I so desperately need in order to heal.

I don’t need to sit in a room three feet away from someone for a few hours a week and talk to them about all of the different ways in which I’ve been neglected and abused throughout my childhood, I’ve spent enough time talking through my depression and processing my trauma, what I actually need is the experiences that will help me to feel safe, contained, and regulated.

I need to have someone in my life who I can see somewhat consistently over time, even if it’s just for an hour a week it would be enough to give me the help I need to change my life. I need someone who can be physically present to help me to feel grounded, contained, comforted, and safe who I can hug, lean on, and simply exist around without the constant stress that I have been enduring throughout my entire life from always having to hold myself together. I need to find somebody who is comfortable around vulnerability and emotions, someone who has enough control over their own to the point of being able to allow me fall apart in their presence without being overwhelmed by me. I need to be able to let go and I can’t do it on my own. At this point in my life I am exhausted, burnt out, and my nervous system is completely fried.

I need someone who teaches my body that it can feel safe and comfortable in the presence of others, and I need somebody who can provide me with co-regulation and containment so that I can eventually develop these skills within myself so that I can feel safe and regulated on my own. I do not see any other way to heal apart from finding and being able to experience safe and consistently repeated interactions like this that I have never had.

Even though I have figured out what I need in order to be able to heal, rewire my mind, as well as reconfigure and readapt my bodies stress response, I have been met with the harsh reality that there is nowhere to go and no one to turn to for the kind of help that I need in order be able to rehabilitate myself. I feel stuck and lost in life due to hopeless and despair I feel with my situation in the sense that I no longer believe that I will ever be allowed to heal, I no longer want to live like this anymore but at the same time there is nothing that I can realistically do to change the reality of my situation.

I am so far beyond frustration with professionalism at this point that I don’t even have the energy to feel frustrated anymore, instead I just feel completely exhausted and defeated. I don’t need professionalism, what I have an unmet innate need for safety and being held that every single system of support, help, and person in my life has failed to provide me with.

I feel as though I have been completely abandoned and deserted by society, left alone with the reality that I will have to continue enduring this intolerable existence indefinitely while holding onto possibilities and hopes which I no longer believe have any sort of meaningful or realistic basis in reality after having repeatedly exhausted the avenues that I have, I no longer feel as though I have any meaningful reasons to maintain any sense of hope or belief that these things will ever materialize in my life. I have reached a point now where uncertainty itself is starting to weigh on me as I no longer feel that I have any realistic forms of intervention or paths forwards towards the kind of healing that I need, and I can’t help feeling like I will remain broken forever.

Sorry for the long rant, but this has been a constant life long experience and struggle with neglect, abandonment, rejection, pain, and innate needs going unmet due to the absences of such simple and basic experiences that are central and fundamental to one’s wellbeing and function, so much so that they are often given and provided to the majority of individuals before they’re able to even consciously recognize the value or importance of it.