exhausted

everyday is just so much. before i even opened my eyes today im thinking about tongue cancer. and this little phase been going for weeks now for this reason in particular. any given day it’s the fact that my pimples are grotesque or that I look so ugly and malformed. looking up surgeries and doctors to fix my face. walking around feeling so shameful about my face. is my appendix rupturing? did the water from the shower that went up my nose when i was washing my face have brain eating amoeba? taking pictures of scars or wounds to compare later or drawing circles around them to make sure it’s not flesh eating bacteria. i’m just exhausted. it’s crazy bc i gaslighted myself into thinking i didn’t have OCD even tho i was diagnosed but i guess i do less rituals like idk i gave a lot or most up after a certain point so i thought i was healed but the endless mental gymnastics i go through every day just trying to live is so frustrating. i can’t even focus on life and the good things bc im too in my fucking head. it’s so much worse too when u have an actual symptom or sore or bump it’s like NO now i have to fucking monitor this and i know i need to stop checking body sensations and googling symptoms and checking spots bla bla bla but damn this shit is HARD. it’s been a few months since i’ve been to therapy but i need to start going. sorry i guess i just wanted support, it’s crazy i think im dying like everyday but hey im still here