Can't stand the guilt

This guilt will consume me

I'm (36F) trying to understand what happened and would really appreciate any advice as to how not to go crazy and continue to push through life.

My husband (40M) and I have been together for over 10 years and have a toddler. We've had a difficult relationship for most of the time. He had some substance issues and I became increasingly negative and critical. I complained a lot, especially about my health (I developed hypochondria after losing our friend to cancer), cried about work, and sometimes said hurtful things to him like calling him "not a man." and yelling at him and telling him to leave. But now that it has actually happened, I can't bear it.

I still want to believe there were reasons underneath my negativity.

During pregnancy I was put on strict bed rest and had a clot at 8 months pregnant. I was also diagnosed with a clotting disorder, which meant worrying about my own health and what it could mean for our child because it's inherited. He accused me of being happy for 'finally getting the disease I wanted' and 'trying to impose it on our child, too' after I told him we'd need to get the kid tested as that's what my doctor told me.

Three months after giving birth, I was investigated for possible breast cancer. Thankfully it wasn't that but it took more than a month for them to confirm. I had already talked about my health a lot and was often scared and cried lots, dramatized it also being 3 months postpartum. He later told me that I was "always thinking I had something", which is true, as it's part of being a hypochondriac, and complained about my negativity saying I made his life unbearable during those 5 months, and that he couldn't earn money because of that.

We moved countries when I got pregnant, he told me to look for a house up to an X price point. I did, we moved in to only then find out that he didn't have the money to pay the rent (we always paid equal parts, never had a joint account although I asked for it multiple times). So pregnant and not being able to work, I had to sell my flat to pay the rent and also help out my mother who was at another financial crisis at the same time. Flat gone, money gone. He told me he would pay the money back but it kept piling up. He asked me for a substantial amount of money to pay off his debts and I gave it to him to later find out he spent it in stock market (his main job) and only repaid his friends he'd borrowed from. Those were all of my savings. We had to move out and move in with my mother.

Even before that, he could be very distant with me. He rarely initiated trips or things for us, often chose his friends over me, criticized me for working too much, and even in bed would sometimes point out the line between us on the headrest and tell me not to cross it in my sleep because he couldn't sleep comfortably otherwise. I often felt like I was asking for basic affection, support and partnership, but he thought I was being dramatic.

I wanted us to move out of my mother's house. I wanted our own home and a calmer family life. I begged him to move out because I genuinely believed I'd be happier and less negative if I had some independence and felt like we were building our own life. He said we didnt have money. He was erning a but more than a minimun wage, but had no expenses, no rent, utilities at that time along his stock market 'job'.

We discussed finances and agreed I'd manage the money, but things never really moved forward. He continued to drink every day, sometimes lie and drink and still drive when the baby was in the car (it's only one beer hey, I'm being negative). And then one day he just got too much of my negativity, got into a fight with my mother, who told him he needs to step up for his kid, and bought tickets to go home.

Before that, I had offered counselling. I tried to make financial plans. I repeatedly explained what I needed. He didn't want counselling (expensive) and ultimately decided he wanted to leave.

What hurts most is that I still feel blindsided. We talked after that, I told him not to come back without a clear plan (this wasn't the first time he would spend a substantial amount of money in stock market and blame me and my health complaints for it) agreed on a financial plan (I would manage the finances regardless of how much he earns), that me and our toddler would come to him, talked about going home together, buying tickets, our future, etc. I worked from home sometimes until 3 am, took care of the baby for the rest of the time and had some terrible time at work which made me cry (one day out of a month we spent after coming to him). While.on this visit, we would both constantly nag. I once asked him to lend me some money so that I could buy diapers for our kid because I had forgotten my wallet at home and he said he wouldn't give it to me because I would always be late to send it to him.

After that I had an awful stomach ache for 3 days and wanted to go home earlier to get checked. I had told him before I would want to go home earlier even before that, but he wanted to meet his friends after a certain date. So I asked if I'd buy the ticket earlier, would he take us to the airport thinking he could come later.

Then, suddenly (for me) he decided he wasn't coming back with us after all. He said he d asked me to stop talking about illnesses and being so negative towards him. I felt like I was hit by a truck. He said something in him clicked when I told him I'd be buying the tickets.

Now he is going to stay with his mother in another country, while our child and I will go back to my mother's house. I was told by both of them tonstop causing drama and they've been going about things and acting as if nothing has happened. He keeps saying we just weren't compatible... for 13 years... after all I had endured, my worth was squeezed into that one moment and Inwas told I was 'sick' for yelling at his mother to let me speak as it was my last day in their house and she just came to the room in the middle of my sentence and told us to calm down. All I yelled was 'the life I knew for the past decade was ending and I wanted to say what I wanted to say.' He himself had told my mother she's killed two men (my dad died of the clotting disorder I inherited, and her bf of 20 years died of depression) before when he was drunk and that we thought men were enemies.

I'm struggling badly with guilt. I keep thinking that maybe if I had been less negative, happier, more supportive, he would have wanted to fight for us, but I also feel like I needed more support at times..

I'm sorry for the long rant. I'm alone in the room, feeling guilty and mourning the future I had imagined. I need someone to tell me it's not only me who made this happen and that there can be happiness for me in the future..