I've been raped and groomed by my first boyfriend for 3yrs, abusive father assaulted by multiple men I trusted with my SA history and alot more. 

About a yr back I texted this guy, he is extremely extremely smart doing one of the hardest courses in one of the most competitive Institution and he is hot as hell. 

Has a way with words and definitely gives off bad energy. We only texted for a few weeks and I was smitten, he seemed like he'd know exactly how to mess me up in the worst ways possible but bcz I was starting to get too smitten I fought and pushed him away saying very mean things to him. 

Now, for the past 1yr like a pathetic little girl I haven't been able to get him out of my head and touched myself multiple times thinking about being dominated by him he has this mean, cold, aloof energy and has the credentials to back it up. Recently, I came across his Instagram and went through all thr girls he is following which aren't alot and most of them have Sh marks on their legs or hands.

And it's definitely not normal for a guy to be following and actively talking and texting with pretty girls who have sh marks. But unfortunately it just made me go crazy and find him sm more attractive. This guy can have any girl he want and his type is specifically hot girls with trauma nufghh and he's so smart, he knows how wrong this is but still..... 

I feel so pathetic and so so stupid for actively seeking him out knowing exactly how detrimental this can be for me and on top of that I've been touching myself to a guy I haven't talked to in over an year nufgh\\\~ I am attractive and have alot of guys I could possibly be with but I choose the worst ones please bully and degrade me for the traumatized slut I've become >  < 

I'll be texting him back casually, is there a way to let him know how messed up I am without making it too obvious? 

The man I'm attracted to gets off to traumatized girls