Struggling with my mental health as the eldest daughter, 4th yr irreg student, living in a toxic environment and being in a rs despite of my mental health problems.

Hi there 👋 (LONG RANT AHEAD)

I'm 20 incoming 4th yr irreg student who is struggling to keep up w my peers because of my mentat health and how i handle my problems. I'm currently in a rs w someone younger than me, but that never became a problem between us. I had problems w my past relationships because of how emotional i was and sometimes i can't even understand myself.

Let's go back to where it all started.

It was way back 2019 when i started having su1cidal thoughts due to my low grades, i never imagined my self thinking that way.

I came from a very chaotic/toxic environment, i grew up with ppl constantly fighting and shouting maybe that's where this all started.

2022 when i was 16 it was pandemic that time, i was so isolated from the outside that i started to feel suffocated + the constant nagging of my mom affected me so much. I started to fail my grades even more because all i was thinking was i will end my life anyway and that it will all be useless if i gave an effort to my pending school works. A teacher talked to me and asked my parents to talk to me as well that's where it became less heavier, but that did not last long tho.

the thoughts started coming back because my parents were just manipulating me into thinking that i was getting better because they're treating me better, the thoughts got worse.

My first attempt never happened because when i was finally alone at home my cat decided to not leave my side until everyone gets home, my cat became my life line.

fast forward mid 2022 my fam decided to visit my mom's hometown, we stayed there for 4 months and that became my cleanse from a very traumatic/toxic experiences from the city. The thoughts were finally gone. after a few months it was getting better, Until my cat died and i had to handle the grief. I graduated shs and entered a univ i thought will give me lots of opportunities in the future, I was wrong.

College life wasn't as easy as i thought it was, i started lacking academically because even before college i was always behind my batchmates, that's when i started comparing myself to others because of insecurity, they get to live normal, quiet and easy life while i was out there fighting to be alive.

2nd yr when we found out my dad was in a rs w someone else for almost 7 yrs, Mind u my mom and dad r still together during those times, this became a reason for me to lose hope in our family and my future relationships because of how traumatized i was. As the eldest daughter i was the one who was tasked to take care of my younger sibling and maintain my mom's sanity during those times, I have no choice.

It was in my 3rd yr of college 2nd semester when i noticed that the signs of me struggling w mental health was coming back, I started to miss classes which resulted to a few subjects being failed. That became my turning point, my 16 yrs old self was back.

When something triggers me and my mind becomes so loud, it felt like it was so full of thoughts i couldn't handle them anymore so i will bang my head to the wall or maybe punch it a few times, or sometimes i pull a hand full of hair from my scalp, i couldn't even feel the pain when i do those stuffs to myself because all i was thinking was i feel suffocated and i needed to do something abt it.

I don't always feel this way, there are times that i feel so much joy i feel like my chest is about to burst from the happiness i was feeling, there are also times where i feel so lazy to even move around or take care of myself.

There are also times when it hurst so much i can physically feel it, this happens even without any proper reason. I can just feel the pain, that's where the thoughts started coming back. I felt like i already gave up w my self and the life i planned w my loved ones because i felt like i was contented w the life i have rn and if ever i get triggered again or if life became too much to handle again and felt like there is no escape anymore ik everyone will understand why i choose that path.

I was thinking that maybe because of my struggles w my mental health this is also the reason why my past relationships kept on failing, it's because i never felt any better even if i feel like someone was there i can lean on.

It was happening all over again, and i feel so sorry for my partner rn because he had to endure and suffer from my multiple episodes.

Rn because my partner was constantly talking to me, and he makes me feel heard and understood it felt a bit lighter.

And currently I'm still waiting for my scheduled consultation and diagnosis from pgh.

That's all. If you made it this far, thankyou for listening. This means a lot to me! And always remember that whatever struggles u have in life rn, there are better days ahead just like how i choose to keep on fighting.

Padayon stranger!!