AITAH for falling asleep instead of resolving an argument with my husband?

I (31F) and my husband (31M) got into an argument last night. I wasn’t in the mood to take a shower and be intimate and he got upset, claiming it’s been 6 days. (it’s been 4 and one of those days I took care of him but he said it ”didn’t count”.)

Now I want to preface this by saying this man is amazing. Our relationship is the ideal fairytale marriage 99% of the time. He works full time while I stay home with the kids, continuing education for licensing in my career and homeschooling. He helps me when I ask, takes the kids when he gets home so I can get a break, and sometimes takes them out do so things on his days off so I can have alone time. he encourages me to follow my dreams of writing and is overall a really great man. He’s funny, kind, and will do everything in his power to help me in anyway possible. He tells me how much he appreciates everything I do at home and I tell him the very same thing every single day. Every day I remind him how important he is and how grateful I am (I get real sappy because I am just so in love with this man).

Where things can get shaky is intimacy (and his anger is his downfall). Things hadn’t always been great between us though. After having kids I was severely depressed and admittedly neglected him badly, but he still did everything in his power to be there for me and we made it through.

That was 6+ years ago. Aside from the week of my period we are intimate almost every day, sometimes twice a day.

BUUUUT there are times where I just don’t want to do anything (We shower together as well and sometimes I just DONT want to go through the motion of undressing and washing after everything I do throughout the day with housework, homeschool, co-ops, activities, appointments, and general stuff that comes with having kids).

Last night he got upset when I told him I wasn’t in the mood to do anything, including showering and he started to say it’s been 6 days and this is how he feels love and connection with me. I get it. His main love language is physical touch and affection. But we are affectionate ALL the time in other ways, and I mean all the time (snuggling in bed, watching movies several times a week, holding hands, hugging, kissing, we are a TOUCHY couple). I tried to tell him and assure him that it wasn’t him and that I was just not up for it and he immediately got cold toward me and told me he’s done talking about it so I left it at that and we went to bed.

This morning he was still being cold toward me (didn’t say thank you when I got up to get his clothes for work and get his coffee and breakfast going which I do every day for him) and didn‘t Take care of any of his stuff after he was done, which he usually does. And he was withholding affection (something he does when he’s really mad at me). He didn’t once try to kiss me and when I gave him a kiss goodbye, it was a quick peck and no goodbye or I love you like we normally do.

Now neither of us grew up in very healthy families. My mom did her best but my father was abusive and he and his family is what screwed me up as well as “other” things that happened to me while I was little so me and intimacy didn’t always get along but I worked through it and with him I enjoy it.

But his family is TOXIC TOXIC TOXIC, and what he is doing to me is what his dad would do to his mom. We are working on it together and have grown a fairly great healthy relationship…except for this one argument. It is honestly the only thing we really argue about and it happens every couple months. It feels like I can’t have days where I just don’t want that kind of intimacy without it being a problem. He told me today (when I brought up how cold he is being and how hurt I was) that I didn’t try and resolve anything because I fell asleep (I did this because ANYTIME in the past where I’ve tried to resolve this argument it escalates and he’s told me if he says he doesn’t want to talk then drop it. I did JUST that last night and that’s somehow still a problem).

He told me I don’t listen and that he ”knows this pattern well“. That it gets longer each time (it doesn’t) and that a few days will turn into a few months and then almost never at all. I tried telling him it’s been years since that’s happened and left it at that because I’m just…exhausted. I just don’t understand why I can’t take time off from it and frankly, I’m done with having this argument over and over again.

I'm sorry for how long this is and if it is all over the place. I just needed to get this all down and out because I feel really icky right now. I know his intention was never to make me feel like this and he’d NEVER push or intentionally coerce me into things I don’t want to do, but due to past sexual trauma and issues in the earlier parts of our relationship, I feel like if I just went with it, all this could have been avoided and that’s the part that makes me feel gross. I’ve done it in the past and fell in bouts of depression afterwards because I just get numb and resentful and I promised myself I’d never do it again.

I know I am not the asshole here. At least not fully an asshole, but I’d just love to hear from outside perspectives on this.