My dad has cancer & I feel guilty for feeling like I’m losing him already

Hi THT, starting off, just typing out the title made me a little nauseous so please forgive any typos or misspellings as I’ll probably delete stuff a million times out of fear I’m actually manifesting the worst scenario here, I’ve kept all this inside for months and I’m just brain-dumping.

My dad has prostate cancer. Normally it would be very treatable, but he waited a very, very, very long time before treatment. My dad is in his 70’s, he was an athlete (on team USA, world cups, the whole thing), so his age I guess never really caught up to him until recently, he always looked younger / “great for his age,” but generally HEALTHY. I feel awful for even just thinking that seeing him now is weird. It just hurts already when it shouldn’t because he’s still here. He’s still a person, he’s still my dad. I’ve lost pets, friends, grandparents, a very close friend I considered a sister just last year. No positive thinking or anything changed anything for them. I raised thousands of dollars for my “sister” friends’ gofundme for her breast cancer & now it’ll be a year without her in a week.

My dad is getting his prostate and part of his bladder removed in less than two weeks. I’m just scared shitless. He’s had so many problems as of late and I don’t know how he was cleared for this major surgery. His surgeon even wrote a letter bitching out his care team for the condition he’s currently in, and I know that’s to cover the surgeon’s ass in the instance of a lawsuit if something were to happen, and now my anxiety is just so through the roof I’m not sure how I’m functioning at all. My friends don’t know how mentally exhausted I am here. My mom doesn’t know, my dad certainly cannot know, my boyfriend I live with doesn’t even know. Everyone has their own shit going on her and I feel like I just have to keep it all in for both not being a burden and because I feel like I’m going to will something horrible into existence (it sounds insane, I know, I know everything is out of my control).

I do want to look into therapy options. I don’t have insurance so I’d be paying out of pocket, but I think I can swing something. I’ve been putting it off as my former therapist retired from practice to become a professor and she was amazing so the bar is incredibly high and truthfully I’m not ready for the perfect therapist hunt just yet, I guess I’ll be mentally ill now just to get it out of my system for a while, and then I’ll have the heavies ready when something worse happens.

Sincerely though, I don’t think I was fully prepared of getting through most of my twenties, getting to a good spot, but then so many people just start getting sick and dying. Love your friends and chosen family as hard as you can, life hits you so fast.