Feeling Broken

Feeling Broken

There’s something wrong with me. I feel like I do everything I can, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference, at least not most of the time.

I get 7–9 hours of sleep a night. I take my mood stabilizer and antidepressant every day. I eat a clean diet with as little processed food as possible. I go to the gym 2 hours, 4x a week. I make sure to get out of the house, visit friends, have joined a local theater group, and am making moves in education and professionally for a better financial life.

But I still feel empty. I feel defective. The little things that bring people joy, I don’t feel. Staring at fireworks with no feelings. Seeing a beautiful sight and appreciating what it is but still no feelings stirred. Going to events that should bring me happiness, but in reality I’m just waiting for them to end, from end to end.

Seeing family and friends, and not feeling joy at the prospect. Just existing in the moment, unfeeling or feeling depressed. Don’t get me wrong, there are brief moments of happiness. But they last at the most a couple hours max. Then the void seeps its way in.

I just want to feel happy and fulfilled, but it feels like it won’t ever truly come. The times in my life where I felt truly happy, they always ended badly. 50 more years of the same feelings, despite doing everything I can to change things, sounds like a torturous existence.

I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or really anything from posting this. It feels like there are no answers, and I’m just screaming into the void while tears stream down my face. I’m tired of hurt, despair, and emptiness. And I don’t know what to do.

Thank you for listening/reading.