I am so drained.

I (M30) originally joined Reddit back in 2018, when videos about "Nice Guys" popped up. During that time, I was in a relationship with a toxic person, who I'll just call B. His name is the only unique spelled name in this list, and quite honestly, this post is mostly about him. Might mention his ex as K in later parts.

But the relationship with B was likely never supposed to happen, and quite honestly, sometimes I wish it never did. There's so many inconsistencies that he told me when we were friends, and I had a crush on him, and when he and I were together, and when he and K were together. K and I communicated for a little bit. All we really had in common was him as an ex, and I don't blame her for not wanting to talk after we vented for a bit about him. I hope she moved on from him and is doing better. Me? I am hanging on, and I am happier with my wife, but because of prolonged exposure to him, it more contributed to my C-PTSD, rather than my regular PTSD. I don't care what he thinks about me, but I still catch myself complaining about how much he hated certain shows I love because I still feel guilty for liking them. I shouldn't have to. There was a lot wrong with me ever meeting him in the first place.

From the very beginning (I was in 10th grade, it was 2012), I got an off vibe from him. We met on TinierMe, back when I was in my first relationship, and I didn't develop a crush on him until after almost a year later. And it was over something incredibly stupid. First of all, at this point, I doubt his brother was ever on TinierMe, and I'm willing to bet it was B on both the "brother's" and his own account. His "brother" claimed to have read B's diary, and claimed B wrote about having a crush on me. I was dumb. I believed it, asked B to confirm it, and I kid you not, he wrote "a gentleman will wait until the lady is ready" or some shit. (Hi, I'm a trans man.) Nothing was brought up again about this until months later when I confessed I returned the feelings, to which I was rejected because "he was already arranged to marry someone his parents picked out" (bullshit). He described her as a shy Japanese girl named "Kageyaku". But I only heard about her two more times, until the name was dropped completely out of his vocabulary. By now, I had given up on the idea of being with him, and I was seemingly happy with my partner at the time. (I was in 11th grade, by this point.) Cut to right after I finished my Algebra 2 final. TinierMe had been shut down for a few months, so we mostly stuck to talking over DeviantArt or occasionally GaiaOnline. This particular day was on GaiaOnline, in one of their chatrooms. Thought we were having a nice conversation, I was venting about the last math test I'd ever have to take, and he drops that he had a dream tell him that he needed to be with me. I reminded him I was still in a relationship, and that I had a weird dream about being radioactive (it was around the time I learned about Chernobyl, and the song by Imagine Dragons had also just released). He RP kissed me in the chat, and I was left confused. I brought it up to him the next day and he pretended it never happened, so I kinda put talking to him mostly on hiatus. My relationship fizzled out a month later, I met someone new, talked about my crush on B in the journals, the new guy thought I was talking about him, and I felt bad and said it was, putting B on the backburner of my mind. Whatever.

This new guy was nice. Too nice. I actually regret dating him because he deserved better. We broke up months later because it didn't work out. I ended up pursuing B again because now I was alone. Didn't work out because now he came up with the excuse "I only prefer Asian, specifically Japanese women who are super feminine". Seemed judgmental at this point, so I once again gave up. Ended up in another relationship that I wished I was never in. That's a long story on its own because this person was abusive/manipulative as hell. I repeatedly told the person I am not interested, but of course... he used self harm to coerce me to say yes. ("If you reject me, I'll hurt myself.") Needed my family's assistance to break up the relationship, since he was the son of a family friend. My family AND his family both assisted in breaking us up actually, even as toxic as my family was. Given the relationship dynamic, I can see why neither family wanted us together. But whatever. I ended up in a few more toxic relationships after that, occasionally going back to this abuser, as well as dating other abusers. All the way up until 2016, when I finally broke up with one of my abusers, and blocked him. Uuuuuugh, too many relationships that were on and off, and some that were there and gone, I would have a whole book going into the details, which is why I time skipped, because this is about B, not my other exes. I started rejecting him here and there before the relationship with him because I was done with the back and forth, and he kept bringing up the possibility of us being together.

October 2016, I got with B, finally. It was long distance, online mostly, already my first mistake. No... my first mistake was listening to that message from his "brother". But I hate that I ended up with him after all. Still... rose colored glasses were then placed on my face from the start or the relationship to the end. I was in a constant honeymoon phase, while also dealing with challenging feelings. The red flags were VERY obvious from the beginning. But the rose colored glasses made them look like normal flags. First, the relationship had to stay secret. For me, it was because my mom always freaked out when I had online friends anyway (especially thanks to one of my abusive exes). Second, we would text only on HIS terms when HE was available. But if he texts me, I have to drop everything and respond to him. Whenever we had the moments to finally meet in-person, it had to be at his place, when his parents weren't home. I'll get more into that later. I had to dish out $100 in gas money to convince my stepdad to drive me to meet a "friend". His idea of a gift for me on that first meeting was... origami pieces that he made months prior, that he had no attachment to. It was about a 3-ish hour ride there and back. The second time I saw him in person, I had to take a MegaBus and Uber to see him, and then a very expensive Uber ride back. This was before they implemented tips on Uber, so I feel bad still for not tipping the driver. The driver was a champ the whole time, and probably still one of my favorite Uber drivers to this day, despite not remembering his name. After that, B and his family moved far up North. The relationship was rocky at this point, and one of the things B said set me off. Cried myself into a migraine, and I asked who I thought was a good friend what a safe amount of ibuprofen was for a migraine, and that "friend" turned around and called the cops on me, claiming I was suicidal. So I spent a few days in the mental hospital, until they realized I was safe. (Screw you, Mike.) Blah blah blah, months pass with mostly silence from B's end, until he drops it on me that his parents supposedly said "they are fine with you moving up here to live with me, don't ask further questions, I am too busy to send anything other than this." Sus, but okay. I stupidly didn't question further. BIGGEST MISTAKE ON MY PART. Still pinching my nose at 21 year old me. So, I snuck around, getting a lot of my stuff packed up, and in September 2017, I mailed a lot of what I couldn't bring on the flight with me, and I flew up to where he lived. This... is when my world came crashing down. 21 year old me, what did you get yourself into? Color me surprised when I get there, and his mom gets home from work and sees me there, not knowing who I am, or anything.

I have to say, following along with his lie of my mom kicking me out was probably the DUMBEST thing I did, when I should have just shown her the text messages. I, admittedly, was not smart for that. She called my dad and got him involved. Asked how we met, and when we told her, she almost had a heart attack, until we told her it was years ago, and not on a dating site. (Seriously, though, why was she so nice to me when I was a stranger in her house? She's the real MVP in this situation.) So, she helped me get a flight to the state my cousin lived in, who offered me to stay awhile until I can get on my feet. Correction: because my ex caused this, she made him pay for the plane tickets and pay me back for the money I spent on Uber to the airport where I left, and the Uber from the airport to his house. My packages of my belongings arrived days after I left, so she had him hold onto them until we PLANNED ahead to see each other in person. Ma'am... I wish you just forced us to break up. You have more patience than I ever could. So cut to the next time I visit, it was a hell of a ride... again. It was my birthday weekend in 2017. Given the headache that is Southwest Airlines not going from one place to a short distance away, I decided on Greyhound. The goal was to go there, spend the weekend with him, and then come back. Well... that happened, of course. But was he really spending time with ME, or was he spending time talking about this one friend of his, who was a girl, who he described as "more confident, caring, and feminine" than me. Keep in mind, I said I am a trans man. I came out the first time in 2016, and he kinda pushed me back in the closet when we dated. Basically, he was saying this girl was better than me in every way... to my face. And said the only ONLY reason he won't date her is because she was only into girls. (He tried lying about that years later when I confronted him about it, claiming he never said she was a lesbian.) He was buying gifts for HER on MY birthday weekend. Yet, even before the crush on him ever came up, I worked hard to make him personal gifts for his birthday. (He had me under the impression that he was super depressed and had no friends in the beginning.) He never once returned the favor. Ever. Which I'm fine with to be honest. Only so long as it's not paired with him constantly talking about this one girl best friend of his. I cried because of him doing this, and he called me "immature and jealous". (I later told K, his other ex, about this, and she even agreed that it was messed up for him to do that.) So that trip ended with me feeling like shit. Fast forward past all the living instability I went through, moving to my uncle's house. He promised he'd visit for a week on the week that had Valentine's Day in 2018. So, I requested off a week, it got approved, and... that promise was broken, and he only showed up for two days. His MOM even knew about the week plan, but things came up because she is a responsible working woman who has bills to pay. I'm not blaming her, but more him because asking his mom for a week is a bit much, since he was expecting her to be the one to drive him down to my state. Instead of him getting a plane and using Uber, or getting Greyhound like I did. No. He was putting the responsibility of transportation on his mom. His sister and her partner tagged along on the trip, too, so made the trip somewhat more fun. (His sister is actually cool, unlike him.) We went to the City (take a good guess where I live from that). Stayed at a hotel together. I had a mental breakdown at 5am later on, and... this fucker just told me to go cry myself to sleep in a corner, gave a 5 second hug, but then lectured me for waking him up. Great comfort... I finally go back home to my uncle's. I had to move again due to a falling out with my uncle, and I stayed with my best friend for a bit before moving down South. I told him I was having a panic attack due to everything, and needed to talk to him, and he "punished me" by ignoring me for a week. Yeah, he told me he was gonna do that, and he followed through. It was intended to punish me for having a panic attack.

Fast forward again because a few months later, I move down to live with my grandmother in the South. August of 2018. First week. I visited him in person for the last time. This trip is where things started coming to a head. It started off... dull. Boring, dare I say. We watched Persona 4 and Miraculous Ladybug (as a bit of a trade). I'm affectionate, even when moody, and I tried to cuddle with him, but he brushed me off because "I'm too busy watching the show". So the next moment was not my proudest. I... hurt myself. Out of frustration. Laying right behind him. Let's just say... if you have to hurt yourself because someone is blatantly ignoring you, that person is not worth being with, and I wish I realized that sooner. So... I was punished for that, by him ignoring me for the rest of the trip. This never gets easier to type. Thinking it was just a small hiccup, I went home, once again feeling like shit after the trip ended. Two months later, he broke up with me over text, and I had a full on mental breakdown.

You'd think that would be the end of it, right? WRONG. I had to take some time to calm down. I quit my job at the time for reasons not relating to the relationship (they were renovating, and it was a fast food place, and I had no knowledge of drive-thru and wasn't willing to learn). So, my grandmother had me stay with my dad from that December (2018). This. Motherfucker. B. Asked for us to get back together a day before my dad's birthday. And... I stupidly said yes. It went about as well as you would think it did. Barely any communication. This is where I question his intelligence because he was planning on us visiting again in person, and I told him I didn't want to do it when I had my period. It... took everything out of me not to scream at him about his response to that. He... legit thought that I only wanted to plan around it so we could do the nasty tango, which we've done in previous trips because I didn't have my period. That's... not the reason at all. I know how I am during my period. I know I am crankier, moodier, in more pain, and more willing to snap at people, and I am a lot more sluggish because, oh, I don't know, I am bleeding and every movement sets it off. I didn't want to talk to him for a bit after that exchange. The final breakup didn't happen YET. But I will always credit Sanrio for this. I got into a show around the time of the final breakup. Aggretsuko. Only season 1 was out at the time. I binged it, but at the last episode, I almost cried.

"If you keep giving out more than you're getting back in return, eventually, there ain't gonna be anything left." Said by Director Ton to Retsuko, who had a similar situation with her boyfriend.

I sent B an ultimatum over text. "Either things get better, and we have better communication, or the relationship is done." I wasn't selfish for asking for basic respect. He decided to end things. It didn't hurt.

So... yeah. That was my relationship with him. But... things didn't fully end after the breakup because we texted as "friends" for a little bit (a month or so) until I just... stopped answering him. Throughout all of this, I had people telling me they didn't get good vibes from him, and I wish I listened sooner. He messaged me a year later (2020) asking how I was during COVID. I didn't answer him, until I messaged him 2 years later than that (2022) confronting him on Reddit. He was about to respond with what he claimed I did wrong, when you can see I pointed out all of my mistakes here. I already know what I did wrong. I kick myself in the ass over it even to this day. I still repeatedly did things wrong here and there up to 3 years ago, and I am still learning to be better for my current wife.

Now, how I met K. So in 2023, I was still dealing with the after effects of having confronted him, and I decided to check and see how rare his name was, since I thought it was rare (and that was one thing I liked about him) only to find out it was more common than I thought, and often made fun of. Came across this one thread called "What name makes you think of the most spoiled attitude ever?". I commented B's name, and K replied with her story with B, but gave him a different name so I wouldn't pick up on it. I guess she recognized some of the stuff I was talking about. Didn't think to check her page, dropped the conversation because I thought it was a random Redditor, but it was fun to talk about. She messaged me again months later, after she and B broke up, confirming we had the same ex. When she told me what her name was, I immediately recognized it as a friend on his Facebook friends list, which I was sure she was the girl friend he was talking about on my birthday weekend, when she said he brought up a different name to her. No... thinking back, I'm pretty sure it was K's name he brought up, but she's not lesbian, she's I think bi or pan? I dunno, that's her business, not mine. So, we vent about our relationship with him for a few months because there was a LOT of similarities in treatment, and eventually, we said our goodbyes because well... if all we have in common is very few interests and an ex, that won't make for a lasting friendship sadly. She privated a lot of her accounts since then, and hasn't been public. From what I saw... she was confident before dating him. I hope she is okay now. B fucked with both our heads.

That brings me to today. I finally read her Reddit comments, and I came across her talking about B. I don't know if it's true or not, but supposedly he told her in the beginning of their relationship that he was in love with her since high school. And if that really was the case, then why did he push me away and try to pull me closer when I was not interested in him? Why did he play those head games with me? Couldn't he have just continued to pursue her and just... block me or something? Whether what he said was true or not, it was fucked up. Because if it was true, he was messing with me while liking someone else, and not being honest with me about it, and instead coming up with different outlandish excuses (which I should have blocked him myself honestly). But if it wasn't true, then he lied to K. Either way, he lied to both of us, repeatedly.

I really hope K is fine after dealing with him. I know I still need therapy to try and heal the damage.