quran recitation makes me anxious and i can't get over it

growing up as a muslim in an abusive dysfunctional household, my mom used to play Qur'an everytime after an argument with my dad. sometimes so his screams could be drowned out by the Qur'an and sometimes to calm herself down. after every traumatic event, the Qur'an was always playing in my ear because of her. alot of the times i didn't mind it because i was just busy calming down myself.

but since the past few years I've been growing more and more distant from Islam. i tell myself I'm just trying to find Islam again and learn it in my own way but to be honest i may be avoiding it. i want to start by listening to Qur'an again but it makes me extremely anxious. my heartbeat picks up, i start feeling uneasy and almost get nauseous. i barely even pray anymore because i don't find it calming like i used to.

sometimes i find myself almost admitting that i don't believe in God and that's scary. im afraid of what i might do if i don't get back on the track. but I'm not sure what to do anymore.