Anxiety around the fact I will likely be a SAHM in the next year or two, and loss of self.

Hi! I am sure this is something that's brought up regularly but is heavily on my mind. My husband and I are both 35, 36 in a few months, and are about to try for kids. If all goes well, we want to have 2 children. We both work in the finance field; I make about $150k as an accountant, whereas he makes significantly more than I do, and will continue to increase his salary based on the nature of his finance job. Essentially, we will not need my salary at all, which is obviously a very fortunate and blessed situation to be in.

There’s a part of me that finds this prospect exciting. I’ve been working since I was 14 years old. I grew up in a poor, immigrant family and while all my basic needs were met, I definitely had a lot of fear, anxiety, and insecurity around finances. The thought of being ‘well off’ is exciting, then I’m quickly reminded that it’ll be my husbands money and not mine. My husband is generous; we’ve discussed my fears around this, and my need to be able to access money without asking for it or feeling like it’s monitored. He agreed that, if I choose to be a SAHM (which he fully supports and thinks is the best option), he will transfer me a set amount monthly that would replace my salary, and I can do whatever I want with it and not feel like I need to tell him.

I also have started a side job as a Public Accountant so that I could potentially develop that and still keep my skills sharp, work with adults, have money of my own, but also maintain control of my hours and structure. For now I am keeping that on the back burner, as I do not want to grow this business now and then have babies and need to step back. I know I want to be fully present for maternity leave and enjoy my time with babies.

My other point of stress and sadness is missing the social aspect of work. I LOVE working downtown in a large city. I love getting dressed up in a nice outfit and heels, being in an office and socializing in the office. I love work parties and events, drinks with colleagues, the whole bit. I can honestly say I don’t love my job itself – I find it slow, dull, and not challenging. But I love everything else that comes with corporate life. I work in a law firm and low how fast paced and crazy it is, i love being good at my job (even if I don't love it), and I love all the instant validation that comes with work.

I did consider keeping my job and working after I have kids, and I know LOTS of moms do it and manage it well. I just know that with my current priorities, such as exercising regularly and making healthy home cooked meals, I will absolutely struggle with 8+ hours office days, commuting, babies, and keeping myself and my family healthy. Something will have to suffer, or I will have to give up something. I find myself extremely happy at work functions, then quickly that turns to sadness when I think I might be giving that up. Even if I continue on with my accounting side business, the work will be pretty solitary/work from home so I can balance work and being a parent. So while that’ll fill my ‘work’ bucket, it won’t fill my social bucket, and that’s what I love the most about work.

I don’t know what I am looking for here. I know this is so much anxiety when I don't even have kids and I am not even pregnant yet. If anyone can relate at all to this, I would love to hear your thoughts or experiences! it's so crazy thinking about how much life changes for women!