Somewhere in the space

You were so unbelievably stubborn at times.  I was the one to leave, on more than one occasion… you never acted like you could understand why,how your actions may have caused it, or that it even mattered. Maybe it was my attempt at trying to move you, hoping you would find common ground, or at least see from where I stood. I, me.. would always break the silence between us because I could set my pride aside to show my feelings of vulnerability. Over time it became a cycle of continued patterns on both ends repeating.. rebuilding walls,the same walls we still had yet to fully take down. There were times we both caught glimpses of the other, the us we hide to protect ourselves. Those were the times I find the most beautiful, it got me through even our darkest hours.. I had seen you… you had seen me. I truly believe there was a bond, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel it. I hate what we had was finalized with no conversation. You did attempt to have several conversations but I needed time to process. You were finally “moved”, showing emotions… feeling things I had BEEN feeling  but finally expressing them..vulnerability. I was trying to hear you, while trying to put my feelings of resentment aside (cause why after all this time are you finally standing where I was years ago…waiting for you). It was an overwhelming rush of different emotions. I hate that, I couldn’t hear you with an open mind when you needed me to and how that must have made you feel. It was me on the receiving end so I can understand the pain and I never meant to project that back onto you. The deepest apologies for that. I tried so hard to processes all of your emotions and feelings while also trying to restrain mine but I needed time to sort through both. The best way I can describe this is you seemed to need“ right then answers” and I need some time to process and that made me resent you a little more. I felt like,throughout all the years… I gave you time, sat in unknown silence, uncertainty, giving you… time. I felt like you couldn’t give me that. It made me so upset with you. Why couldn’t you see that I was the one in need this time? You were more than my love, you were my best friend and I felt like that was becoming lost in the mix of madness that felt bigger than any elephant in any room. It felt suffocating. Somewhere in the space we gave each other we also gave a chosen silence. Neither of us fought it. If you ever thought it was easy for me, that I just cared less than you, that I didn’t ever care at all.. please know that was never and possibly may never be the case. My heart has felt it every minute of every second since we parted ways.