im tired

2 weeks and 3 days ago the person who i considered to be the love of my life killed himself.
i am not okay. not at all.
we were both divorcing controlling spouses, had worked together and our kids were friends. i have a restraining order against my ex-husband...he is facing aggrivated assault charges for attempting to run over my daughter and my partners son, as well as kidnapping my youngest and two violations of the restraining order, yet nothing has happened....

we found solace in eachother despite an age gap and life situations that should never have worked...and fuck did we love eachother. it came out of nowhere, and we just enjoyed being together and being happy...we both had a history of dark mental thoughts and shared that openly. he had significant anxiety, stemming alot from his exwife who was determined that he couldnt be in his right mind if he wanted to divorce her, and sent him fairly horrible paragraph texts daily, multiple times a day, telling him he was losing his mind, isolating himself, failing as a parent, that he only wanted to be alone/with me because it was "easy and no expectations". she had no issue with him spending time with me because she assumed it would fizzle out and he would go back to her.
his kids and my kids spent all their time together the last few years, and this was no different.
3 weeks ago today, his exwife showed up at my house, stating she had gotten a text from my exhusband that we had been having an affair for years, which was nowhere near true. my partner tried to explain that he could prove that wasnt true, but his exwife assaulted him and left, telling me that my ex still had cameras around the house and told her my partners truck was there. we both became increasingly paranoid, couldnt find cameras, but over the next couple days my partner said my ex was following him, and his ex would text him telling him my ex told her where he was, especially if we were together. she seemed to think it was funny. he was super low, distant, scared, and just not fucking okay.
on the 25th, he went to a friends house, telling me he didnt want me to think he was abandoning me...we texted from 10pm-12:10. reels, love messages, songs...and he switched to snapchat at 11. for 45mins he listed everything he loved about me, in ways even that i could sit and appreciate and recreate now...then told me he wanted to be with me, and just me forever, and sent happy, sexy, funny stuff back and forth with me until i fell asleep. then he killed himself. i feel so incredibly alone, and i am not sure i will ever be okay...