I have been mourning myself for most of my life

I really hate feeling this way. I really hate feeling stuck.

I am 25 years old, and life is not getting easy. My life started going downhill when I started losing my hearing at a young age, and I have never been the same. I feel trapped with nowhere to go.

I have had depression and anxiety for years undiagnosed because of where I live, and my parents couldn't afford treatment for me outside of our country. I feel sad over the fact that my life would have turned out different if I had gotten the right help years ago. Not having money is holding me back. I hate it, and I hate feeling behind all the people I went to school with. I'm here having nothing to show for it. All alone and feeling invisible.

I really don't know what to do. I'm suicidal all the time, but I don't know how to end it, which is the only reason I'm still here. I wish I wasn't a coward and ended things 10 years ago. I regret not doing it sooner. Why am I still here? I really don't know.

Life is so unfair.

The only reason I'm going through this is because of where I was born. If I was born anywhere else. Today, I would be a scriptwriter and a cinematographer.I don't know, but I'm sure I would be somewhere making movies and television. I was brilliant because I started having depression and now it is like depression ate my brilliant mind. I really miss my old self. All the things she would have been. I believe this is happening to me because the world isn't ready for me yet. I'm still here, and I'm still hopeful this trainwreck will turn around and my life would change for the better.

I'm used to being sad all the time, no matter the timezone. It could be daytime or nighttime, and I'm still mourning. Mourning myself. How do you mourn and grief someone who is still alive.

This was emotionally raw and vulnerable. I may come back later to delete it. I don't like it. It makes me feel naked and afraid.