x Muslim, my sisters found out, me and my gf broke up yesterday, i feel so defeated…

I’m 18 and live in nyc.

I’m going through what feels like the hardest period of my life. I’m posting because I genuinely need Christian advice, prayer, and people who can understand what I’m going through.

I was raised Muslim, but I eventually came to Christianity and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. My faith is genuine. I did not convert because someone told me to or because I wanted to follow a girl. Unfortunately, some of my family believes exactly that. They think I’m a follower who has no mind of my own and that I never truly believed in Islam or Christianity.

I have two sisters. Both of my sisters now know about my conversion. One of my sisters supports me and has helped protect me from being exposed to the rest of my family. I’m extremely grateful for her. My other sister has reacted completely differently. She is friends with my ex, Mary, and has gone completely against me.

She has called me a performative follower and said I have no backbone or mind of my own. She says I only became Christian because of Mary. She claims I did no real research and simply spent a weekend with Mary and a week searching online before deciding to convert.
She has attacked my character and said that every hobby I have is something I copied from someone else and that I basically “stole” religion too. She has even said that when I was Muslim I was already being performative by wearing a thobe and praying around people. She has told me I’m not a real man and that every woman I’m with will eventually “dog walk” me.

She has also threatened to tell my parents about my conversion and said I would get kicked out of the house. I’m only 18 and still living at home, so that genuinely scares me. I make my own money but I still depend on my home for stability. I feel like I’m living with the fear that at any moment she could expose me to my parents on her terms.

I want to explain why I told my sister’s mother in law about my conversion because I know it was a mistake and I take responsibility for it.

(Context my sister husband converted from Christianity to Islam hence why my mother in law is Christian)

I told her at my sister’s wedding because she seemed like a mature Christian woman. I was extremely anxious and overwhelmed and thought confiding in another Christian would help me. I thought I had found someone who might understand what I was going through. I specifically told her that if my family found out about my conversion I could potentially be kicked out and that I was scared of what could happen. She eventually told my sister.
I understand now that I should have been more careful about who I trusted with something so serious. But I never intended to embarrass my sister or make her wedding about me.

What makes everything even more painful is the history I have with my sister and her husband.

Before they got married, my sister had several moments where she told me she wanted to break up with him while he was deciding whether or not to convert. I had never even met him at the time, but I defended him and their relationship because I wanted them to work out. There were so many moments where I felt like I was protecting their relationship.

In Pakistani culture there is an important wedding event called a mendi. My sister did not have one and I fought with my mother constantly because I wanted her to have one. I even offered to start working with my father again just so she could have her mendi which she did end up having.

Before they got married, my parents would only allow them to go out if I went with them. I was constantly the third wheel but I went anyway because I wanted to see my sister happy.

There was even a day when I was going through my own toxic relationship while I was still Muslim and had just broken up with my Muslim girlfriend at the time. My sister knew exactly what I was going through but asked me to go with her and her man to a Palestinian pop up shop one day after my intense breakup. I still went because I wanted her to be happy despite what I was dealing with.

So being accused of ruining her wedding and being treated like I’m some terrible person has been incredibly painful. Especially because my brother in law agrees with her and believes I’m just a follower with no mind of my own. I defended him and his relationship before I even knew him. I defended his honor and wanted their marriage to succeed. Now I feel like when the roles were reversed and I needed understanding I was stabbed in the back.

Then there is my own relationship.

When I met Mary she was going through an extremely difficult situation at home. She was living in a toxic environment and struggling emotionally. There were nights where she would cry and I wanted to be there for her. I spent an enormous amount of my time, energy and money supporting her and making sure she knew she wasn’t alone. Eventually she was able to move out and get into a healthier environment.

I genuinely loved her. We talked about God, marriage, children and building a life together. She was everything I had prayed for since I was a little boy. I genuinely thought I had found the person I would marry.

Eventually our relationship became increasingly difficult. She had experienced abuse in previous relationships and I tried very hard to be patient and understanding. eventually I felt like my own emotions weren’t being understood or given the same grace.

She eventually told me she couldn’t give me what I needed emotionally and couldn’t carry the relationship anymore. She wanted to focus on herself and her relationship with God. We ended the relationship.

I am devastated.

I’m not just grieving a girlfriend. I’m grieving the future I thought I was going to have. I imagined marrying her, having children, building a home and growing in faith together. I imagined her being the person I would come home to and share my life with.

Now I wake up knowing I can’t text her. I can’t see her. I can’t visit her. I can’t tell her about my day. The person I thought would be there for me isn’t there anymore.
I’ve deleted the photos, conversations, addresses and reminders. I’ve blocked her on social media because I know I need distance. But the memories are still everywhere. There are songs that remind me of her. There are little things that bring everything back.

I also can’t stop wondering whether I became especially important to Mary because she needed someone while she was in crisis. I don’t want to accuse her of intentionally using me because I don’t know her heart. I loved her because I genuinely loved her. But now I can’t stop wondering whether once her situation became healthier, her feelings changed.

The hardest part is that I feel like I have lost almost everyone at the same time.

My sisters thinks I’m a follower or a fraud. My sister believes I tried to ruin her relationship. My brother in law agrees with her and believes I’m just a follower. My relationship ended. I have friends who care about me but I don’t want to burden them because they have their own lives. And anyway the closest friends I have are Muslim so I can’t confine to them because they’ll stop being friends with me or possibly even worse can happen.

The only person I currently feel like I can completely talk to is my priest. I am incredibly grateful for him, but it is still lonely.