I've wanted to die for years and now, once or twice or every day of the week I stare at my pills, out the window, and try to convince myself to do it, because I can't live anymore

I(24F)'ve had some mental health struggles since at least 13 years old, probably. It's only gotten worse and worse. Things were supposed to get better once I got out of the house and away from my shit parents, but I can't seem to fix this. No matter the therapy I do, the exercise, the socializing, none of it works. I landed a job a week or so ago and I'd finally have some financial independence, yet I'm miserable. I was more passively suicidal and didn't feel too bad and wasn't that volatile a couple of years ago, but things kept getting worse and worse and I even had an abusive relationship with someone that finally made me feel happy (only to abuse me emotionally and sexually, and leave me while I was having a near psychotic break and at my lowest one year ago) and it's been a year since it ended and a lot in me broke in a very severe way. I'd made it through some shit and hung on despite it, but this shattered me completely. I lost touch with reality, my moods are volatile (kind of, I'm always miserable, but I'm usually repressing most of it), and I am in abject emotional misery, even while blocking most of it out. I've spent the entire year trying to heal and get some of myself back, but now I'm so unstable that the misery of before does not in any way compare. I can't let go of my literal abuser who has me blocked - I wonder if it's because I'm stuck in august of last year and the cycle of abuse and reconciliation that was broken halfway through, I do have emotional flashbacks very often, and/or if that just broke me so badly I can't take it, so it can't have happened or I have to have read it wrong or she needs to come fix it so none of it happened. Nothing makes this better. I'm in agony and my brain is stuck on the person who made this all 3 times worse and who also used to help: my abusive ex who wants nothing to do with me anymore. I keep trying and going to psychologists and psychiatrists even though I don't have a lot of fucking money at all and it's been years and nothing has helped and I keep getting up and trying anyway and they don't fucking listen and I'm genuinely in such abject misery and dream of dying most seconds of every single day. But I'm a coward, so I can't throw myself off my window, and I'm stupidly broken, too, because I can't swallow too many pills at once or even back to back. But I cannot do this. I spend every day trying to contain it, or trying to feel it so it'll pass, and nothing works, nothing works, and I don't have a good support system anyway and the summer has passed and all I've done is have flashbacks and suffer breaks while my abuser and everyone else I know is out on vacation, relaxing, going to festivals, and having fun. I'm staring at the pills I have right now, and I just wish I could be sure they'd fucking kill me.