It's ridiculous

Even suicide won't solve my problems. And I can't even formulate my thoughts and feelings, they appear at any moment as reaction towards anything. Didn't help a girl in the gym with dumbbell? You are pathetic (I like that I address myself as YOU not I AM). And if I helped, she prbly would say that I'm trying to hit on her or that I'm weak that want her attention by such actions,.

Such scenarios are connected with people and relationships, interactions, communications. I just can't do anything because I talk to myself alot as if with another person who tries to teach me and I can't handle it anymore. I want to harm myself, but it won't help, I know and sucidal thoughts are present, but fuck they are also useless and also it will hurt and I don't want to kms, though I feel that these thoughts are my comfort zone, despite suffering.

I think there is only one solution - just do what I want to do despite monologues in my head. I can't express my true feelings because people won't understand me I think. They, feelings, will be so intense, because I kept almost everything inside.