26M | Living abroad, closeted, and spiraling over the fear of ending up alone

Hey everyone, just needed a safe space to vent because keeping all of this bottled up is getting exhausting.
I’m a 26-year-old guy. I grew up back home and moved to Spain a while ago, but internally, nothing has really changed. I identify as bisexual, but the truth is, I’ve never managed to be in an actual relationship. Every single time something looks like it might start, it just falls apart before it even takes off.
I don't know if it’s fear, self-sabotage, or if I just overthink everything into oblivion. Lately, it’s been hitting me hard. I catch myself constantly spiraling about the future, terrified of the thought that I might just end up alone.
Deep down, I know what I want. I genuinely cannot picture my future with a woman. Whenever I imagine a real life partner, someone by my side through everything, it’s always a man. That’s what feels authentic to me.
Yet, literally no one in my life knows this about me. I’ve never had the courage to say it out loud to anyone in the real world. I’m just carrying this entire weight on my own every single day, feeling like I’m stuck between waiting to either explode from the pressure or miraculously meet someone who truly understands what it’s like.
Has anyone else been in this exact spot—living a quiet double life while feeling paralyzed by the fear of being alone forever? How do you actually break out of this cycle?