My life is so Fucked

31M, father of 4 kids by 3 different women. My life is fucked in about every way it can be.

I work for the federal government. Right now I'm waiting on news that will either end my career or open a door to something better, and the waiting is eating me alive.

I'm on my second marriage. The first ended when my ex-wife cheated. During the divorce she accused me of domestic violence and a bunch of other things that weren't true. There was an investigation, it turned up nothing, but it cost me two and a half years of my kids' lives. I think she just wanted to ruin me.

The current marriage is worse in some ways. When we were dating she threw away the plan B on purpose and had my kid to keep me around. Two years later we have two kids and we argue every single day. I was unfaithful. I admitted it to her, and part of me was relieved because I figured that would end the marriage. It didn't. She wanted to stay together and now we argue even more. I just set up an appointment to file for divorce.

What kills me is bringing 4 kids into this world and not being there the way a father should be.

I drink every day. Somehow I still take care of my kids when I have them and I still show up to work. I try to stay physically fit. I believe in God as best I can. I don't know what to do anymore.

I don't even know why I'm making this post. There's a lot more I can't fit here. Finances wrecked from lawyers and court fees, the house I rent, all of it. Every part of my life is broken in some way.

What the fuck do I do to make this better?