It's been a week

Hi folks, my dog Koucha passed away last week. His health had been deteriorating slowly over the past few months; weight loss, arthritis, general lack of energy. He was 17 years old, more than most get a chance to spend with their beloved pets, but of course will always feel centuries too short for me.

I loved him so much, even as he was known amongst my friends as a grumpy biter, I think he was just scared of new faces and conscious of his personal space. In his later years his sweetness really started to show even to strangers. I hope it wasn't because of his eyesight going away or age or something like that, I like to imagine it was simply him feeling safe enough to welcome people's warmth.

Unfortunately he passed away the day after my birthday. The day before my birthday I went away for vacation, said bye to him and he was in the same condition he has been for months - old and slow but not debilitating. Then the next day was my birthday, I got a call from my dad that he woke up standing still in an odd corner of the room, then spent the rest of the day lying down unmoving. It seems he had a stroke. I didn't realize the gravity of the situation from the way my dad described it, or that he'd be gone the next day. He'd often sleep all day and that's more or less what I imagined, or maybe the time was coming but not so soon. I thought maybe he'd be able to hold on til I got back.

I chose not to drive back that day. I'm not sure if I regret it, because I'm not sure if I would've been able to handle driving through the night to watch him take his last breath. Instead I spent the day amongst friends, and awoke early the next day to a text from my dad saying Koucha passed away at around 5am.
When I came downstairs that morning I was alone. Outside the window I saw a young deer and her mother. It felt as clear as a goodbye my sweet boy could've sent.

I don't know what else to say except thanks for reading if you did, and I hope you are all staying strong throughout the loss you're experiencing. I hope you have someone to hold and cry with - it's what's gotten me through this past week.