At a loss

TL;DR: Trying to navigate out of long-term narcissistic abuse, still parent my kids, and I got fired from therapy and I’m not sure about the path forward. I’d appreciate help. I’m trying my best in a messed-up situation.

I feel completely blindsided and don’t know how to feel or what to think. I have AuDHD and am/was in a 30-year relationship with, what I slowly discovered, is a covert narcissist. Several factors have led to it going on this long. I had finally found a therapist this past May after waiting a year and a half, and while deciding to create distance from my spouse.

Over the next year, I could not find a way, financially, to move out. This was also a very complicated process for me emotionally, physically, and logistically. I began building financial independence, working on my attachment issues, and developing an understanding of my Autism and ADHD. I started working with a therapist to have a voice outside of the situation to help me stay grounded. During therapy, I openly discussed the dynamics, communication between my spouse and me, and the dynamics of parenting with my spouse.

At the end of my last session, my therapist and I had a difference of opinion on how a situation was handled. I took what my therapist said and reflected on it and what changes (if any) I should make in co-parenting/parallel parenting and dealing with my spouse poisoning the waters. I had also finally filed initial paperwork for divorce between our therapy sessions. I show up for therapy today and she tells me “I feel like I am needing to advocate more for your kids and can no longer provide therapy services.”

I was speechless as I began to ask myself what I had done wrong to prompt this. I was honest about everything. During our last session, I agreed that my situation was messed up, and that I was still doing my best to juggle constant chaos, internal feelings of betrayal, burnout, and building an exit. That I don’t have the answers when their mom constantly tells them I’m the problem. My therapist didn’t offer any other explanation, only if I wanted to stay with their agency or be given resources to find another therapist on my own.

I chose to just switch to still have a therapist while getting a divorce, but I also feel mistrust-like I was open about everything, and instead or given guidance on what to do differently, I get fired. Maybe I missed it, but my therapist didn’t say, “you need to stop _____, and decide how to do _____ instead.” I just feel like I was judged and not offered clarity or guidance on needing to change and what to change. Now I’m not sure what to do. I acknowledge I may need to improve as a parent, and I feel like I also need to protect my kids from letting their mother skew their self-perceptions and ability to count on me as a father.

I’ve never told my kids to choose sides, try hard not to talk about their mom while helping them understand high-conflict personalities. Maybe I failed while having the best of intentions. I have only asked my kids to trust me based on my behavior and their interactions with me. When I make mistakes, I own them, apologize, and try to see what I can do differently. I admit that the current situation is not sustainable and I’m working on a long-term solution.