I cheated on my boyfriend again, maybe for the last time?

So for context I(18F) made 2 posts about how I cheated on my boyfriend(19M) with my ex(24m). In those posts I talked a bit about how despite of what I was doing, I still felt like I loved my boyfriend. Obviously cheating is wrong and obviously I’m a shitty person but I just wanted to know why I felt this way about my boyfriend and still doing the things I do, like yesterday. It’s gonna be a long one, sorry but there’s a LOT of tea to spill.

Now, I’ve been gaslighting myself back and forth about this whole thing. I sometimes convince myself that it’s just sex, that I really do love my boyfriend but need something bigger, and that was my thought process until this whole thing happened. I also made a rule for myself that everyone has to rubber up since I’m not gonna get my boyfriend a possible STD for my stupid actions.

An old friend (19M) hmu asking if I wanted to go to see some friends perform in a shitty little bar. A few years ago they used to joke and fumble around with instruments so I was so happy and shocked that they actually went through with it. First, I said no cuz it’s a bar and I can’t go in, also that I wanted to bring my boyfriend but he works nights and wasn’t off that day. My friend said anyone’s allowed in but I couldn’t drink and practically begged me. My boyfriend gave me the go ahead and my friend picked me up.

We got there and they put a wristband on my friend but not me (boo) and we found a seat. It wasn’t like a concert or anything the group was just performing in the corner (badly but we support our homies). My friend a few drinks in and was getting a little touchy feely which I figured since he has had a crush on me for a while back then. I didn’t reciprocate but I didn’t stop him either, it was mostly just thigh grabs anyways.

After the “band” finished I hopped out of my seat and shuffled my way to them and the lead singer saw me and his face lit up. He gave me a huge hug and so did the rest of them when they finished cleaning up. We sat down and all caught up and it was so nice seeing everyone again. By the time we decided to go, my friend drank too much and wasn’t doing so good so he took a ride with the group while the singer offered to take me home.

On the way home he asked if I still smoked and I said yes, to which he asked if I wanted to hang back a little more at his place before going home. I thought about it for a while since I kinda saw where this was going and texted my boyfriend if it was okay (I was updating him the whole night so he knew I was with the singer and not my friend) and he gave me the go ahead again.

We got to his place and asked if I had a boyfriend, I said yeah and that seemed to make him more excited (I’m noticing a trend with men). We basically got down to it and were kissing while I was grinding on his lap. After a while he sat me down on his couch and slit a hand into my shorts. He was going to town and kissing my neck, so far the only guy who’s done that besides my boyfriend lol. I pushed him off and sat him down on the couch now and slid down to my knees.

Now, again, I gaslit myself into thinking that it’s just sexual pleasure that my boyfriend could not provide. I still love my boyfriend, I just need something bigger. Well, I unzipped his jeans and erm… he was like the same size as my boyfriend, maybe slightly bigger. I’m not good at measuring by eye but I held it with one hand and it was about the same sight as it is with my boyfriend. It kinda snapped me outta my hoe senses cuz I realized that I was gonna suck his dick and forgot about my “condom rule”.

I told him to get some condoms and I washed up. The singer wasn’t any different from my boyfriend, yet I still had this urge to go through with it. I’m EXTREMELY vanilla as a pasty white girl who barely got free internet access just a few years ago. I bring this up cuz a lot of Redditers said I probably have a cheating kink, which I thought was stupid, until I found myself getting wet at the thought of the singer when I can just go home and get the same thing.

I came out and he was rubbered up, twitching, just waiting for me. I felt like such a whore and was embarrassed but I slid off my shorts and I could feel myself oozing out. I straddled him, hovering over it, guiding his tip and sliding it around my clit before the tip went in, and I sat down fully. I rode home but it kept slipping out as I was used to my ex at this point but we found our rhythm.

We switched and I was on my hands and knees at the edge of the couch, he slid in and fcked against me, ROUGH. He gripped and pulled my hair, slapping my ass, and with all guys it seems, saying stuff about my boyfriend while railing away. He was going extremely hard and I appreciated the effort but in my opinion you can’t really make up for size. Anyways, we finished up and he took me home.

The original plan was to come home to my boyfriends place but I was a bit tuckered out and just went home, apologizing to my boyfriend, and of course he said it was no issue and to sleep well. The next day came by and I was helping my parents with stuff around the house and couldn’t see my boyfriend. He had to work again but said I can chill at his place and wait for him, so I did. But uhhhhhh my ex texted me again.

He showed up but instead of going out, he wanted to fck here. I said we couldn’t cuz it was my boyfriend’s place, and of course his face lit up. We took it to the bedroom unfortunately, i decided to lean into my only “kink” and told him we can fuck raw, and he can say whatever he wants about my boyfriend. I say him down and sucked his dick, licked it all over, slobbered up and down almost crying when he held my head down against it and didn’t let me come up to breathe.

He said vile stuff about my boyfriend and unfortunately I fcking loved it. I got on the bed and arched my ass up, putting my face in the pillow and prepared. He made me agree to the shit he was saying about my boyfriend, and even made me beg for it, and he finally slid in. He railed me like he hasn’t been railing me for the past month. Maybe it was cuz I was leaning into my kink, and that he was fucking me raw again, but it was legit the best sex I had in my entire life.

He pulled out and came on my back, and I layed down, getting it on my boyfriend’s bedsheets. We talked for a bit and he left. Later on when my boyfriend came home, I told him that I think we should break up. He immediately started tearing up asking why over and over but I didn’t have it in my heart to tell him. I just said i felt like things were getting stale and he begged and begged me but I left. He later texted me asking if we can just go on a break instead and I said no, but he keeps on insisting.

Uhhh so that’s that. I think it’s over. Despite what everyone tells me, it feels so heavy on my heart that we broke up. I know I didn’t love him, a person wouldn’t do that to someone they love. But it felt like I did, like I still do. I love him so fcking much, I hope he finds better than me, cuz I have a dick appointment with my ex again tomorrow🥲