I screamed at my 4 month old today. How do you cope with postpartum rage?

The crying would not stop. It just kept going, that shrill, piercing sound that drills into your skull and short-circuits every rational thought. I did everything. Fed him, changed him, rocked him, walked him, sang to him until my voice went hoarse. Nothing worked.

Something inside me just snapped. I screamed. I actually screamed at a tiny, helpless baby who was just doing what babies do. I put him in his crib, shut the door, and sat on the kitchen floor with my head in my hands. I have never felt so ashamed in my entire life.

This is not who I am. This is not who I wanted to be as a mother. The anger, the exhaustion, the constant fog of guilt and dread, it has been consuming me for months. I look at my son and I feel numb, or worse, I feel resentful. Then the guilt comes crashing down and I spiral again.

I know I need help. I cannot keep white-knuckling through each day and praying it gets better on its own. I am wondering if anyone else has been here. How do you deal with the rage and the guilt? What actually works? Did therapy help you? I need practical tips to get through this. I want to be the mother my son deserves.