I cheated on my boyfriend, why don’t I feel bad about it?

So like the title says, I cheated but I don't feel bad and idk why.

I'm (18) a very pasty and skinny girl who is unfortunately pretty tall. My bf (19) and I have been together for about 3 months now. I kinda rushed into it after a shitty 2 year relationship with my ex (24). I wasn't completely over it but the time with my new boyfriend made me realize just how shitty my ex treated me. Our sex life is okay, even tho we've only done it abt 6 times, the only problem we have is that he taps out too fast. Not that I'm like draining him or anything it's just that he gets tired easily and we constantly have to have small breaks that ruin the flow we have going on. He also isn't very experienced so it's been a little frustrating being the one to lead when I like it the other way around.

Now here's how the main issue started, when me and my ex broke up I blocked him on everything but he texted me from a new number asking if I wanted to "smoke n chill" with him sometime. I blocked him immediately again without answering and went on with my business. I LOVE smoking weed, most of my money goes to paying off my car or helping my parents, but any spending money I do keep goes straight to some bud, vape, pen, bong or whatever. I got fired from my job a while back and obviously I had to cut back on smoking but turns out that smoking almost daily then stopping suddenly isn't easy (shocker ik). My bf isn't a goody two shoes but he has a weird dislike for weed/vapes. He drinks with his friends a lot and was even down to try mushrooms, but its a hard no when it comes to weed. He just says he doesn't like it and that's been our biggest issue outside the bedroom since I smoke A LOT. I asked my bf if he can help but he obviously said no and being my nerves got the best of me and I unblocked my ex.

We agreed to meet up late at night and I snuck out. I was just going for a smoke but I still felt this uneasiness in my gut. I hopped into my exs car and he parked at a park nearby. We smoked and talked a bit, catching up and stuff and letting him know I had a bf. He asked how my bf is in bed and when we started talking abt sex, I saw that he was starting to get hard. My ex is huge so its not like I could've ignored the tent he was pitching even if I tried. Now I can say "I was high I didn't know what I was doing" or "He said this was to pay him back for the weed" but he didn't. I fully knew what I was doing and despite trying my hardest to ignore it I eventually caved and put a hand on his thigh, then bulge. He didn't waste a second and pulled it out. He kept making comments like "What abt your bf huh" and stuff like that while I was stroking him. He pulled out a fresh pack of condoms and we took it to the backseat where I rode tf outta him.

We finished up and he started driving me home when I remembered why I even agreed to meet him in the first place and I asked if he can supply me with some dope for a bit and he said sure but all his stuff was back at his place like an hour and a half away. When we got to his place I sat on his bed and he handed me a whole baggie. Being in his room again after getting fcked in his backseat brought even more horny memories. Again, he didn't ask for anything in return, but I asked if he was down for another round, and he said yes. This time I sucked his dick and he started back up with the mean comments abt my bf. Stuff like "You missed having real dick huh" and other rude stuff like that. My bf isn't small but my ex is just fckin huge by comparison. My bf says he's 5 inches (which does anyone actually confirm btw??? I just kinda accept what they say since i don't have a ruler just on hand lmao) and idk what my ex is, but its enough for 2 hands and the tip to be out. Maybe 8-9 inches? Idk I'm really bad at measuring by eye.

He "forgot" the condoms in the car and wanted to do it raw. Since I literally just sucked his dick and didn't really care that much I agreed. He was always good with pulling out anyways. I got on his bed and he gave me backshots I haven't gotten since we dated. He railed into me and for the first time in months I just felt pure heaven. He just knew how to work my body, no breaks no nothing. He spewed out more hurtful shit abt my bf but I was getting railed so hard I just accepted whatever he was saying. It got to a point where he would make me agree with the hurtful stuff he was saying and would edge me until I did. My knees were starting to shake and they almost gave out multiple times and eventually he pulled out and shot all over my back. He cleaned up quick while I layed there catching my breath. He tossed me my clothes and practically asked me to leave since his "girlfriend likes dropping by in the morning" which I didn't even know that he had, but not like it matters either way. He practically kicked me out and I was left on the street with my legs shaky out at 3 am.

So like I said before, I'm broke asf and a Lyft back home was $57. I was freaking out since I couldn't afford it and was almost an hour and a half away from home. I obviously couldn't ask my parents so I just accepted my fate and called my bf. I woke him up and said I was out drinking with friends and couldn't drive home... he sent 60 no questions asked and to call him when we was home. I was floored and expected to be yelled at but he didn't. I got him, called him, hung up, and layed down in bed. I stared at the ceiling and though to myself "he didn't even question where I was?? I didn't even tell him I was going out tn. Does he really trust me that much?? Even the most loving of ppl would question it" and eventually slept.

Its been 2 weeks now and we are as normal as we ever were. I felt bad for days after but now? I feel oddly okay? I've never cheated before and I assumed the guilt was gonna kill me but idk. I feel so normal that it feels not normal to feel this normal. Obviously this means I didn't and never loved my bf right?? or liked i guess since we've only been dating for a couple months but idk, I would buy my bf flowers, walked 2 hours just to see him at work and wait 4 hours til he was off thrice now, cant watch shows unless he's with me, but I cheated so easily and don't even feel bad abt it??? Idk that is my Tedison Talk ig