BPD assessment at 38

Hi all, I’m from the uk and I had never really heard of BPD until about 2 weeks ago. I always thought there was something wrong with me. I feel everything so hard, I’m so afraid of rejection and abandonment then when it happens I beg and plead then turn into a whole other person and am horrible say the most awful things that I would NEVER do in “real life”. I feel lost and hollow a lot of the time, like I don’t fit in anywhere and always an outsider. After another horrific break up (only horrific because I made it that way) and ending up taking my self to hospital so I didn’t do anything more stupid than I had already done BPD got floated and I started to research it. And it’s like they wrote it about me. I always thought I wasn’t “normal” but never considered there was a reason for the behaviours that I had. I need to point out this is nearly 100% specific to romantic relationships, at least the escalation is. I change myself to fit the other person, I pick up on moods and reflect them. I even would say you are my favourite person without knowing what it meant in a BPD sense. The concept of splitting is a vague comfort because I know I would never say an unkind word to anybody, but when it happens I am horrible. I say the most awful things, this time even SH and worse and then the next day don’t even remember anything but never hear from them again (obviously) and I am full of shame because I know well enough to fill in the blanks. So I guess I’m here as a 38 year old woman, 2 teenage kids, and more failed relationships than I can remember. Thinking how did this go on so long and I never thought it might not just be me because I’m obsessive and needy and basically get what I deserve to be alone because I’m so horrible (when I really am such a nice caring loving person the rest of the time) and now looking at 2 realities. If I’m not then what am I, and if I am what does that mean for me? I have to live the rest of my life knowing that this isn’t a choice it’s the way I am and I’m going to always ruin everything. When all I genuinely want is to be loved by someone. Has anyone been able to make real improvements and be in a better place after time and therapy and potentially medication and have a healthy relationship? Sorry this is long just my head is blown and still obviously hurting and sad after breakup as well which isn’t going away any time soon