Week 16 | Peeling The Skin Off My Face

I accidentally ruined my sleep schedule, and I can't believe that these days I'm struggling to fix it. It shouldn't be taking me this long to fix it. My eyes are fucking killing me.

It's all because I lost my ability to summon my sleep paralysis demons at night. God, they were so helpful when it came to keeping me alert or jolting me awake at a certain time. It was like an on-demand alarm that never disappointed me.

The last time I experienced sleep paralysis was last Feb, and before that it was pretty normal for me to have it 3 times per night or something. There were so many conditions that I managed to discover that increased the chances of it happening.

In a sense, I could say that over the years, I've grown familiar with the villains that live in my head. I know it came at the cost of my mental health at times, but it wasn't that bad tbh.

Another downside was that sometimes, when I woke up in the past, I'd question whether I was actually awake or if I was just inside another dream. Sometimes I'd even have false awakenings, which made it even harder to tell.

I've had them for more than 6 years, and it's been almost half a year since the last time I had one. I'm truly wondering why they disappeared. It kinda feels like I lost part of myself ngl. I know it may sound crazy, but I genuinely miss them. I do envy you, Lily.

The only thing that makes sense to me is that maybe they symbolized my fears, and that's why they were trapped in my head. And after what happened in March, I was already facing my fears in real life, so maybe they just had no use anymore? I have no fucking idea.

On another note, I'm getting addicted to those silly numbers once again. I LOVE watching them go up every fucking second ngl. Which I'm aware is toxic, yes.

I did spend some of my week trying to help someone tho, which I guess counts as me making some positive impact or some shit, and I got nothing in return, unlike what that whore was saying about how I only do shit when it benefits me. Sigh.

And I think I'm finally getting better at controlling myself. Well, not when it comes to her tbh, but I'll get to that another time.

That's all for this week, gang. Stay safe.