Expressing a desire for basic affection = "codependent."

Anytime I wanted some basic affection, desire, or closeness, I was told that I was being codependent and that it was a problem I required these things. He’d say, “They should be wants, not needs. Because you *need* them, it means you’re codependent.”

And I believed it.

I believed for a long time that because I craved it and felt like I needed it, I was the problem.

For a very, very long time, practically the entire relationship, he just lived on the couch. He wouldn’t sleep with me in our bed, and when I expressed that I wanted him sleeping in bed with me, he’d tell me, “I don’t sleep in the bed because it’s a problem that you need someone there. I am helping you by teaching you to do it by yourself.”

Everything he did, he framed as a lesson toward me, like he was helping me.

To this day, I swear he genuinely believes he was the helper and that I was just so broken I needed that from him.

I also really wanted to take pictures together, have a pet name, or hold hands. We probably have less than 10 pictures together, and we were together for my entire 20s, lol. He wouldn’t hold my hand because he “hated PDA.” Again, he said that it was a "me problem" that I needed those things, and if I couldn't take him as he was, I needed to reevaluate because it wasn't fair that I was “trying to change him.”

It just makes me really mad sometimes, and I have nobody to talk to or tell. I kept this hidden from everyone for nearly 12 years of my life, and now I just want to let it all out.