My (22M) girlfriend (22F) of 4.5 years had another guy stay at her house and sleep in her bed for two nights without telling me. I don't know how to move forward.

Hey everyone, I've been really struggling with this and honestly don't know whether I'm being unreasonable, so I'd appreciate some outside perspective.

My girlfriend and I have been together for 4.5 years. We had an amazing weekend together and I stayed at her place that saturday night. I left Sunday morning.

She's been going through an extremely difficult time. Her mum has MDS/cancer, she's recently quit her job, and she's also been having fainting/seizure-like episodes as well as going to therapy over being depressed. She's been under an unreal amount of stress.

On Sunday, I didn't hear from her much. I asked how she was and she said she'd had a bad day and would update me when she could. Monday was similar. I kept checking in and asking if she was okay and whether we could talk. She was distant and asked for space. On Tuesday she told me she needed to tell me something face to face rathet than over text.

When we finally met, she told me that she'd had one of her episodes at her dance event (she is a dancer as a hobby) and had a male friend stay at her house to make sure she was okay. He stayed for two nights. He slept in her bed.

She says nothing sexual happened, there was no kissing or anything romantic, and that he was there because he has experience with anxiety/panic attacks and knew how to calm her down when she was having episodes. She says she didn't tell me because she didn't want me to worry and was scared of how I'd react.

I don't know what to believe emotionally. I don't necessarily think I have proof that she cheated. But I'm struggling massively with the fact that another man slept in the bed that I sleep in with her, in the home where we spend our time together, while I was being pushed away and didn't even know he was there.

The part that hurts me most may actually be the lying. She never told me while it was happening, only after the fact.

For those two days he was there, I was constantly trying to contact her because I knew she wasn't okay. I was asking if she was alright, asking if we could talk, trying to support her. Meanwhile, she knew there was another guy staying with her and didn't tell me.

The day after he stayed at her house, I brought her flowers and snacks because I was worried about her. Now knowing that if I'd gone the day before, he would've been there, sleeping in the bed I sleep in with her, makes me feel physically sick.

She also told me that when she has these fainting/panic attack episodes due to what shes going through in her life, "I panic with her and it doesn't help." I've only actually witnessed her faint once. I was scared because I didn't know what was happening, I shook her awake and offered to take her to the ER. I understand that maybe I wasn't responding in the way she needed, but I was never given the chance to learn what she needed from me. Instead, she chose someone else to be that grounding person.

I'm not saying she shouldn't have gotten help. I genuinely want her to get help when she's having these episodes. What hurts is that I feel like I was pushed away while someone else was brought into a role I thought I would have as her partner.

When she finally told me when we met in person, I was absolutely devastated. She became distressed and started having another episode and asked me to leave because she needed her safe space. I understood that she was struggling and I left.

After speaking to my dad and friends, I went back to where we'd met to talk because I wanted answers and I wanted to fight for our relationship. She was with her dance friends, including the guy. I approached him civilly and asked him about what happened. He told me it was completely platonic and that he was just trying to help her.

I don't know what's going through his head, obviously, but I don't think confronting him angrily would achieve anything. He's not my partner. She is.

But I've been with this woman for 4.5 years. I love her to death. I've imagined proposing. I know our relationship in a way nobody else does. I'm not asking whether other people think I should leave I'm trying to work out whether I can trust her again and whether this relationship can actually recover.

I also feel like I need boundaries going forward.

I have absolutely no issue with her having male friends. I love some of her male friends and I've never wanted to control who she spends time with.

But I don't trust this particular guy anymore. He was involved in something that was kept secret from me, he stayed at her house for two nights, and he slept in our bed while I was being pushed away and didn't know what was happening.

I don't think it's unreasonable for me to say that I'm not comfortable with him staying overnight at her house or sleeping in our bed again. I don't want to control her friendships, but I need to have autonomy over what I consider acceptable within my relationship too.

The secrecy has completely destroyed my trust.

I don't know whether this is something I can eventually forgive. I don't know whether sleeping in the same bed is automatically cheating if nothing sexual happened. I don't know whether I'm being unreasonable about wanting boundaries with this guy. I don't know whether I'm being selfish for wanting her to prioritise repairing our relationship while she's dealing with everything happening in her own life.

I love her and I don't want to throw away 4.5 years, but I also don't know how I'm supposed to recover from this.

What would you do in my position? Is this something you could forgive and rebuild trust from, or is this a fundamental betrayal that would end the relationship for you?