Need translation/clarification help please

WARNING: the text you are about to see is beyond NSFW, recommended age is 30+

My friends have this inside joke of a saying/metaphor that I'm trying to translate to German.

The problem with translating humorous metaphors is they rely on word play that often only works in one language. Word-for-word translations don't make sense but a formal translation overrides the wordplay that most idioms and metaphors rely on.

Having said that... >!"Der Rachedildo ist niemals eingeölt."<! und >!"Der Rachedildo kommt ohne Gleitmittel."!< are what I've been able to come up with using my minutes of research and A0.1 level of German knowledge. P.s. I know "und" off by heart, does that get me respect?

So now that you've read it, what was your response? Did you shake your head? facepalm? maybe chuckle a bit or report me to the mods? If the answer to any of those was ja, then I think I've done it well enough...

Or is there some fundamental flaw with my grammar and/or choice of words?

For the record, I was trying to say ">! The dildo of revenge is never lubed !< meaning >! "When a vengeful person fucks you, they fuck you HARD!" !<

So on a scale of 1-10 how did my translation pan out? And if it can be improved, what would the ideal phrase be to say with my homies? Not that they speak German, I could probably tell them anything so long as I pronounce the letters right.

Or was this whole exercise impossibly doomed? Should I >! Fuck off outta here and never try to speak German again? !<

Danke Schön!