I have an extremely complicated relationship with my sister, if you have a brother, did you feel ignored growing up?

Hey everyone,

I’m trying to figure out my relationship with my older sister, and honestly, I’m feeling really guilty and confused.

There’s a ten-year age difference between us; she’s 32. Im 22, Growing up, we fought all the time, screamin, crying etc, but I know we cared for each other. She always did things for me, took care of me, and I appreciated that. Recently, though, a lot of hidden resentment and jealousy has started to come to light, and it’s becoming harder to overlook.

When we chat, she sometimes (though less frequently now than a few years back) mentions the things she “could no longer do” after I was born, like waking up to our parents jumping into their bed because I slept in the same room as them for awhile, her little library had to be turned into my room, and the fact that I was a sick child for a lqrge part of my childhood, which meant our parents had to travel around the country to different doctors to save my life while she stayed behind with our grandparents, as if her life was put on pause because of me being born. When we argue now she’ll randomly describe me as “the golden child” sarcastically of couse.

At the same time, during our childhood and even into my teenage years it felt like she tried to mimic everything I did that earned praise from our parents, and I always noticed that, whether it was doing the dishes, changing a tire, a lightbulb, or whatever… almost like she was crying for their approval, I never cared for praise when doing any of this and would have done it regardless, but I always got it and don’t remember her getting it, maybe she did and I just don’t remember.

**The major shift in her life happened when she turned 16 and our parents sent her to boarding school. Honestly, I think sending her to a strict, conservative Christian boarding school filled with people much wealthier than us halfway around the world was an awful decision for someone who despite her issues, had been sweet, loving and creative up until that point. from what I remember, despite being me so young. But what do I know, I was a child, she became bitter after that.**

After that she transformed into a completely different person, she absolutely hated that school and ended up staying for 2 years. She became quite bitter. You can tell she’s a control freak and struggles to connect with people in general, and doesn’t really have any friends aside from her American boyfriend who she’s currently doing long distance with.

She also has a very tense relationship with our parents and tends to clash with them a lot on just about everything you can imagine.

I think she was so used to constant academic success that when she transitioned to a 9-5 job where she was just another face in the crowd, she fell into a depression of sorts. That’s why she quit her job and moved back home for a while.

When I went off to uni she was helping me pick classes and I asked her how did she know how to do that alone and so fast and her one word response was “trauma”.

The confusing part for me is that by every objective measure, she "won." She was always a significantly better student than me, a much better athlete (state champ by the age of 12), and incredibly accomplished, she was an A+ student and I usually got B-Cs. She got a top 100 university in the world, I could never come close to that, nor did I ever try to.

But where things differed is that I’ve always been able to connect with our parents and people/friends in general on a deeply personal, emotional level, which is something she struggles to do, which is why I think she constantly snitched on me every chance she got during my teenage years if I was doing something stupid to earn points ig, something I no longer hold against her, but did growing up. Like for example if I was with a girl or drinking with friends, she would go out of her way to tell my parents and I would get in trouble. For example if I was with a girl or drinking she would go out of her way to tell my parents.

Recently, my mom flat-out told me she thinks my sister is jealous of me. Hearing that made me feel absolutely awful. I didn't choose to be born and I didn't choose for her to be sent to boarding school while I got to stay home. I love my sister, but our relationship is strained, and example: I recently got the intership I wanted and everyone was in my room celebrating and she randomly started bringing up that it was messy, just small thing, I also have a temper but I try my best to no longer argue with her like we used to.

Looking at this as an outsider: Do you think her resentment is actually directed at me, or is it aimed at our parents and just getting projected onto me?I’d love to hear your perspectives. Thanks in advance.