Nothing left of her but the pain, idk how to let that go

I am a recovered FA/DA but I tended to be on the anxiety side of things mostly because I've always attracted other FA's. I've done years of therapy, overcome drugs and alcohol addiction, my last relationship left me litterly crippled, but my legs are working again now. I've spent my life talking people off of ledges, being the only person people feel safe to open up to. I've done so much work, I've looked inside myself. That is what I want. I have hobbies, I volunteer, I'm at uni, a little later than most. I've survived childhood abuse. I'm autistic and ADHD. I've picked my life up from rubble more times than I can count. I'm not a victim, there's kids getting blown up before their 5th birthday. In many ways I feel immense privellege to have lived this life of mine.

My friend, he's a drinker, and a narcissist. I'd always let him go when he'd storm off but we had fun playing DND together. Hates his gf, he's with her to avoid being alone. He used to complain about her endlessly, tries to cheat on her, puts her in a cage. I didn't want to meet her, the way he described her. But she joined one of our DND games. He must've told her a bit about me because from the second we met, months ago, it was clear.

He essentially asked me to do the emotional labour of his relationship and I told him were to shove it, but she played more s d more of our games, and we'd all hang afterwards, I'd try to give them couples time because they were long distance but she'd always ask me to stay. He'd sit with headphones on whilst we'd talk all night. She was one of the most beautiful souls I've ever met, I couldn't understand any of it. I had no feelings but I enjoyed talking to her and I began to resent my friend, seeing up close just how awful he was too her, how desperate she was to be loved.

It started small, sticking up for her, nipping outside and her borrowing a smoke and talking privately. Eventually she wanted to play a 1 on 1 game, she came to mine.

We had two of the most tender magical weekends I've ever had. It was an emotional affair but I fell truly in love. I saw it all, like glass. I cooked for her and we listened to eachother and I can't stomach to relive it all but it was pure. These two deeply wounded, ADHD brained, highly empathetic people letting their inner children out, and feeling safe enough to do so. Texting everyday, long late night phone calls, all of it. There's no point trying to write it all into words, you had to see it, had to feel it in your stomach. I had some anxious style still left over but I self regulated. But what it was is, it was the first time she'd ever been shown that safety, that level of deep unconditional care. I never told her what I knew about the cheating or what he said, I just listened, I just cared without demands or pressure. Her posture physically changed. It was the space she needed to build her own life.

But I'm not a therapist. I'm not a professional. She fell harder than she has ever before. I tried to maintain the boundaries, I tried not to feel, once I realised where we were it was too late. Both in love. Both doomed. It was a fantasy. A beautiful, tragic fantasy.

It's Reddit so people will judge and it'll be viewed through black and white lenses. I accept now. It doesn't matter how we felt. She hadn't done the healing. She'd never hit that rock bottom that forced you to change. She couldn't accept it no matter how much she wanted it, no matter how good it could've been. And I would've given everything to a bottom cup. No one to blame, no answers, nothing to be done.

I've been infatuated before, too often, I've been used before, and when young I've used people, emotionally. But I can at least say that for one fleeting moment, on this brutally chaotic universe, I showed someone genuine unconditional love. Now she knows it's possible. Now she knows what she deserves.

I gave it a name, she ran, blocked me on everything.

I can't imagine the hell she's in now.

I was exactly what she needed in that moment, a window to a world that could be.

I know there's no fixing this, there's no control, there's nothing I could've done. I'm just glad now she knows. I just hope one day she gets a second chance with someone else who can truly love. I've accepted that she's never coming back, that even if she did, a second go would just be enabling her. I truly wish her all the best, even if this has completely fried my nervous system and left me a wreck.

I've seen myself through her eyes now, someone who can weather the storms, someone strong enough to crawl back from hell. I'll be ok eventually. And she got to see what happens,what someone is capable of if they stop refusing to feel the pain and just commit to doing the work.

It's just. All that's left of her now is the pain? And that's so hard to let go off..cause once I do that she really is gone.

I think I do believe in soul mates now. It's just, soul mates aren't necessarily the people you spend your life with. They come in, show you what you need to see. Pain is beautifully and powerfully transformative if you let it be.

I proved to myself I can truly love, I've learned that it is a gift that I need to protect, boundaries are nessicary, and can be built with empathy.

Now she knows that love can be given, that she's worthy of it, that life doesn't have to just be avoiding pain in fear.

Thank god for this beautiful fucking mess.

I wouldn't have changed a thing.