im so exhausted

I didnt know that first cigarette i smoked back when i was ten would ruin me. my first hit from a vape and that cold feeling hitting the back of my throat. after seeing what it did to everyone around me, i shouldve known, im no better than them. not anymore. stealing blades from stores to feed this addiction. doing dangerous things for a puff or a shot. im so stupid. it ruined me, i ruined me. i want to feel the warm blood on my body and the feeling of inhaling the smoke and vapor. i fucked my life up for this? i feel so fucking exhausted.

why did i have to be curious. now im a slut. i dirty whore. and the fact i still have a boyfriend, even though im whoring myself out to strangers online. i even met up in real life with one. that was a mistake. i cant ever be clean anymore, im so dirty from everything. and the cycle still goes on. i need validation but after i need a distraction from the disgust, then i need validation for being an addict. i hate this existence of mine.