i just hate myself

i genuinely think the person who has done the most damage to me is me. people have hurt me, life has fucked me over, but somehow every road in my head leads back to myself because i'm the one who kept letting myself down. i knew what i had to do and still didn't do it. i knew what wasting time would cost me and still fucking wasted it. i kept promising myself that tomorrow i'd change, that tomorrow i'd finally get serious, finally become disciplined, finally stop ruining everything, and then tomorrow would come and i'd betray that promise like it meant absolutely nothing.

now i'm taking a drop, which is supposed to be another chance. another year to fix what i fucked up. and everyone keeps talking about fresh starts while all i can think about is how terrifying it is to be given another fucking chance when i already have such a long history of disappointing myself.

what if i waste this too?

what if a year from now i'm right back here, writing another pathetic vent about how i knew better and still managed to destroy everything?

the guilt doesn't leave. it just changes shape.

sometimes it sits quietly in my chest. sometimes it keeps me awake replaying every wasted day, every opportunity, every promise i broke. and sometimes it gets so fucking heavy that thoughts of not being here anymore keep showing up, because my brain starts treating disappearance like an escape from having to be me.

i don't even know who i am half the time. there are moments where i feel disconnected from myself, like different versions of me keep taking turns running my life.

one version promises to fix everything.

another wastes the entire day.

another suddenly becomes hopeful and makes impossible plans.

another fucking hates himself for all of it.

and then there's me somewhere underneath, wondering which version is actually real.

maybe i'm overthinking it. maybe i'm just making excuses again.

that's the problem. i don't even trust my own suffering because i constantly feel like a fraud.

even when someone believes in me, i feel like if they actually knew everything, every thought, every failure, every time i pretended i was okay while quietly falling apart, they'd realise they were wrong about me.

i feel like i'm constantly pretending to be someone with potential while secretly knowing how much of it i've wasted.

and sometimes the self-hatred gets so intense that i start thinking i deserve punishment. like maybe if i could somehow hurt as much on the outside as i do inside, the guilt would finally make sense.

i've built an entire fucking courtroom inside my head where i'm the judge, the witness, the jury and the person being punished.

and no matter what happens, i'm always guilty.

guilty for wasting time.

guilty for failing.

guilty for disappointing people.

guilty for being given chances i don't feel like i deserve.

guilty because i'm taking a drop and instead of feeling grateful, i'm terrified that i'm just being handed another opportunity to prove exactly why i don't trust myself anymore.

and maybe that's what scares me the most.

not the exam.

not the competition.

not even failing again.

it's waking up every day and realising that the person i need to rely on for this entire year is the exact person i've spent years losing faith in.

me.