My brain is my enemy, and I cannot escape it. I think i am done.

All I do all day is obsessively ruminate over stupid bullshit that happened 2 fucking years ago. Its just a bad breakup....I have had prettier, smarter, and overall far superior women since and It doesnt matter I dont feel anything for them my heart is completely closed and I always return to thinking about this one goddamn girl who promised to love me through everything and left and got pregnant with 4 months of the breakup. And its hilarious because ive been m*lested as a child, seen my friends die in front of me, and countless other traumatic events and this is the one thing i cant move on from?? Its embarrassing and humiliating and pathetic and I honestly cant imagine a reality where I dont ruminate about it for hours once I have a single intrusive thought over it. Also, my life generally sucks, and has for a long time. Im not having a good experience in this lifetime. I try to be grateful but honestly no matter what I do, I always think myself into misery. I get excited when I think about death. Sorry to ramble about my nauseating self pity. I am utterly consumed by it. I think ive made the decision to throw in the towel. If you read this whole thing, thank you, I know it doesnt mean anything to you and its too long, but its my entire internal reality. Maybe I will see some of you on the other side 💜