A dark place

Please read i apologize for how badly written this is it sounds like a vent i apologize

I just graduated in June from high school and the last few months have just been a downward spiral I’m not going to college and I just feel like I’m going back to how I felt my 8th grade/freshman year I want to do an apprenticeship for a trade HVAC or electrical but I don’t have my license so I’m working on that the thing is I don’t talk to people anymore and I used to do sports band choir everything and now I have nothing I love music but Im not going to college for it so I just have to stop doing it because I don’t have money for my own instrument I recently got a new job but it’s temp work and I haven’t started yet but it’s 12hr shifts and iv never worked even 6hr so I’m kinda worried
anyway that’s some background I’m sorry this is so yappy basically last weekend I had a thought of what if i just disappeared yk what I mean and I was like it would be so easy and i thought about like how easy it would be to like just have ppl think I’m sleep or smth I didn’t actually have a plan to like die or anything so also I don’t want to but I have had an attempt before in 8th grade and iv been hospitalized 2 times around that same time and iv been doing good since then when I joined all of my activities in high school but today I had that thought again and I was so scared I was going to hurt my self my gf is away at camp she’s a sr dw so she couldn’t talk until 7pm so I had to wait but she’s the only person I talk to I live with my friends family my dad was abusive and I moved out in February and my mom passed when I was 13 so but I just I like have goals and stuff at least I think I do but I don’t have any hobbies and like I’m at home all the time and I don’t know what to do anymore my gf I love her so much she cares a lot but she’s only 17 and I feel so bad for putting this on her she threatened me with telling someone about it but I got her not to I reallly don’t feel comfortable with anyone else and i genuinely feel like I don’t have anyone else to talk to

sorry this was badly written I just kinda need help like I don’t wanna think like this and like be sad it’s not good for me or my gf I’d like to get help but idk where to start yes I have diagnosed MDD and anxiety uhh I don’t take meds i took them for like 3 weeks back in 8th grade and then stopped and iv been mostly fine until now

I just would like to know if anyone has an advice for my situation