I'll kill myself!!!

It's not a click bait, I'm so close to taking my life yk why it's a long story.

My parents had put me and my brother in an ICSE school which of our own town is top most, but my brother was terrible in studying so he changed school but I was better than him, only better cause I was the Avg kid yk the one with "potential" but never utilities. My parents made this fake scenario like i'm topper, hardworking kid infront of relatives, friends cause they wanted wanted to hid my bro incompentances and i feel good living in that story . I Believed it. I BELIEVED IM BETTER THAN ANYONE. I FVCKING BBECOME EGOISTIC AND DELUSIONAL It was 9th when I first got 2 subjects compartment in my life I had failed for the first time.

That was the time I started Self h@rming myself.

I cleared re-exam but covid had fvcked me up, I was the dumbest kid of class now. 10th first, 2nd, 3rd, prepares failed in different subject sometimes I barely use to pass one otherwise maths was also negative (10th percentage = 68%)

Barely passed 11th. Had the same pattern of 10th in 12th also (pcm = 72%)

I never prepared for JEE never wanted to choose engineering but I also didn't have any plan i was delusional about my career too like I never knew what I'll do in life rather than being like I'll be a millionaire w this that luxury BUT I'M GONNA DO TO GET THAT ? I FVCKING NEVER THOUGHT.

After school, my brother had already done his clg from a highly expensive one which my parent couldn't afford so they expected me to get a good gov college (ofc I'm the topper acc to em)

I had wasted my whole schooling and after it idk anything so I gave cuet- i couldn't even score 200/1500

Took a drop year, I had broken up in Feb it was my first situationship, I saw my friends going different ity some even abroad and me, the one who thought I'm smartest, street smart, advance got nothing so i started off being depressed, I was imagining a better life, imagining my bf is still w me and we are talking, having fun. My parents are working so I'm always home alone I spend all my day, social media- imagining and acting like my bf is w me, and fvcking daydreaming to the point of concern.

I had a whole year to know what to do w my life, I spoiled it, I didn't even know the syllabus of cuet when I was registering for it, so I fvcked again

I knew with this score I can't get anywhere, still I missed some deadline of registration in diff uni(s), my mom wanted me to give jee just simply give cayse i wasn't doing anything from my side i lied that i did register day before exam my mom was planning how to reach the Centre and on that day I told her I didn't even register for jee, second time I dint even register and my mom cried.

Why? CAUSE I'M A MF, I'M INSANE, I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE ELESE IS CONTROLLING ME.

Somehow just now, I got in bbau, bcom and this is the only option is have and that too in Amethi campus which I don't even know where it is, on some tier 5 area, a tier 5 college w tier 5 crowd. This is what I actually deserve for what I'd to me but this is SO NOT WHAT I WANT.

I suck at maths, I don't even know what commerce and it's career is. I'll get main campus but in 3rd or spot round but it doesn't make it any better.

I've not a single gut in me to tell my parents that I don't want to do ts shit. My mom have absolutely fvcked up my mental wellbeing that now I can't have a conversation w anyone without getting angry, I've controlled myself to not burst out and ki** myself.

I've to attend a clg i can't bear, w people i can't get along with, w a course i don't know anything nor want to study for a career i don't have any