This is an adaptation of a thirteen-part Bad Two-Sentence Horror series I wrote several months ago.  Maybe some of you will find this stream-of-consciousness rambling entertaining.

The Headless Chad

Chapter I: Pursuit

The headless gigachad pounded down the lugubrious thoroughfares of Sleepy Hollow on his ambivalent and battle-hardened steed. He was chasing the irredeemably-annoying, reprobate beta (reprobeta, if you will) Ichabod Crane. The gigachad’s goal was to relieve Crane of his insufferable head and put it to better use. Now, before you think of this head-challenged alpha as some sort of toxic bully, consider the fact that he was overcoming the setback of being decapitated and attempting to get ahead in life by getting a head in death. One swing of his saber felt like it may have made contact, but the gigachad ultimately went home empty-handed after groping in the utter darkness for hours. He could see without eyes, but not without light.

Chapter II: Hypertrophy

The headless gigachad, having been unsuccessful in obtaining a head from a willing or unwilling donor, shoved another round of protein powder and creatine down his neck and banged out one last set of overhead presses (overneck presses) in preparation for the bodybuilding competition. The judges were extremely impressed with his physique, but during his most muscular pose, the pumpkin he was passing off as a head fell off. He was disqualified.

Chapter III: Litigation

The headless gigachad sat with his arms crossed. The sleeves of his tweed jacket barely contained his muscles as he awaited the judge’s ruling on his lawsuit against the International Fitness and Bodybuilding Federation. While his attorney made a good case that the IFBB had discriminated against the headless gigachad by disqualifying him due to his lack of a head, the judge ultimately ruled in favor of the IFBB. The judge cited the fact that bodybuilding is based on judging people by their physical appearances and thus determined that the IFBB had the right to disqualify the gigachad.

Chapter IV: MMA

The headless gigachad pressed his iPhone XR against the air where his right ear should have been and listened to his wealthy Saudi friend detail a plan for him to fight Mauricio “The Playa from Venezuela” Rojas. The money gained from a victory could easily solve the financial hardship the headless gigachad had incurred by losing his lawsuit against the IFBB. In the Octagon, though Rojas proved more experienced and skilled, Rojas made the mistake of going for a headlock on an opponent with no head to be locked. This gave the headless gigachad an opening to catch Rojas’ jaw with a knee. The blow knocked the Venezuelan fighter and the American financial troubles out cold.

Chapter V: Fashion

The headless gigachad, having made a name and a fortune for himself with his MMA victories and his bodybuilding controversy, leveraged his fame by launching a clothing brand. His brand, 0Hed, started a trend by specializing in shirts, sweaters, and hoodies with no head openings. The articles of clothing instead incorporated sheer material or tiny holes at the tops to enable the wearers to see. The headless gigachad was unaware of the awful working conditions of some of the workplaces where the garments were manufactured.

Chapter VI: Competition

The headless gigachad was making more money in a month than he had ever made in a year. His 0Hed Fashion CEO salary and his diversified investments were ever-increasing when a newcomer to the industry started cutting into 0Hed’s profits. CraneBod developed a garment that cinched around the neck and draped to the ground. It was basically a bedsheet with an adjustable head hole, and it was becoming so popular that the headless gigachad and the other executives at 0Hed were fearfully and frantically developing new product concepts and marketing plans in order to stay relevant.

Chapter VII: Rivalry

The headless gigachad was determined to meet the mysterious CEO of CraneBod, the company that had now taken a majority share of the fashion market despite 0Hed’s best efforts. To make the most intimidating impression possible on his mysterious rival, the headless gigachad rode his trusty steed into the CraneBod skyscraper, up the elevator, and burst through the interior window of the expansive office on the top floor to find a familiar face staring at him with uncanny calmness. Gazing back into the voids where the gigachad’s eyes should have been was none other than Ichabod Crane seated behind a fine oak desk.

Chapter VIII: Proposition

“The headless gigachad, I’ve been expecting you.  But I must admit your theatrical entrance surprised me a bit.” said Ichabod Crane from behind his executive desk to the decapitated cavalier. “I've been expecting you. You may not fully understand yet why you've come here today, but you are about to sell 0Hed Fashion to CraneBod for a fair price and then sign a noncompete agreement.”

Chapter IX: Rejection

The headless gigachad was enraged by Crane’s audacity. The gigachad knew the other shareholders of 0Hed would jump at the opportunity to be bought out, but he didn’t care. The undead equestrian jumped his horse over Ichabod Crane’s desk and grabbed his rival by his signature draping garment. The gigachad then realized that Crane was now nothing more than a floating head.

Chapter X: Tragedy

The headless gigachad, seeing he was in no position to bargain with the bodiless Ichabod Crane, loosened his grasp on his successful rival’s flowing garment and rode out of the towering CraneBod office building. Deep in thought on his stormy pilgrimage back to his Tutor mansion, the headless gigachad was not paying attention to the rain-soaked path. His trusty steed who had been his companion for centuries tripped over a stone and broke his leg.

Chapter XI: Regrets

The headless gigachad sat forlorn and crestfallen in the lavish library of his Tutor mansion. A realization of emptiness washed over him. He would have cried for the first time in centuries if he had been physically able. The clouds cried for him and drove waves of gloom down the beveled diamond windows. He reflected on the careless journey that had claimed his equine companion’s leg and life. He considered his riotous years as a soldier of fortune, his self-absorbed foray into the realm of bodybuilding and mixed martial arts, and the opulent real and personal property that his ruthless business practices had afforded him.

Chapter XII: Resolution

The headless gigachad stood before his bodiless rival with humility and reasonability that would have been impossible at their previous meeting. Ichabod Crane, nearly stammering in disbelief, recapitulated, “So, if I heard you correctly, you are agreeing to sell 0Hed to CraneBod with the stipulation of the fulfillment of a separate personal merger?”

Epilogue

“For centuries, I chased fame and fortune like a chicken with its head cut off, but I’ve never felt as fulfilled as I do right now. I finally have a head (or maybe Ichabod has a body). Ichabod gets most of the spotlight, but I’m happy just being part of a team.”