just want to get off my chest TW: SA and Suicide mentioned

I 17f was molested by my older half brother when I was around 7 or 8 years old. I’ll be honest my memory is very blurry during these times. I have many older half siblings and they all used to bully me pretty badly. I was hit and swore at constantly, they body shamed me and made me feel very worthless. I even told my older half sister that I was thinking about harming myself at around 10 but I was told to just ‘not do it’ because it’s against my religion and I would end up in hell. So when my half brother started to do things like sleep next to me or make me kiss him on the lips I felt really special and loved in my house. I used to think about it as a passing thought and it would eventually leave my mind. But recently it feels like these memories are permeating my mind and I just feel really disgusting. This is the first time I’ve written it down. He doesn’t live in the same house as me anymore which I’m fortunate for.