Trauma release

Yesterday I had one of the most eye-opening and blessed experiences of my life and I got to what they were thinking and I really wanted to be a better person and become a better person and I thought that would start by going back to the root and I think that would be all the trauma releasing yet I don’t know where to start how what to do stuff and I guess I would like some guidance or some type of advice on how to start.

Also before you comment about therapy, I’m really hesitant about going into therapy because I wouldn’t exactly I don’t wanna label it and say it was traumatic experience but it sure made me really uncomfortable. I Had really bad experience with the first ever therapist I talked to and I was 12 years old at that time and even years later it still faces me a lot and it bothers me and angers me and I try to self growth myself to be better without any help and I guess being disappointed even by the person who is assigned to help you (therapist) really got me to being more independent when regarding my emotions my well-being and as a whole person and also I try to feel less I don’t know how to explain it but I always expect something other than what will happen and I always end up disappointed and deep down. I always knew from the start that it wouldn’t happen such a way I thought mostly regards other people around me that people that are supposed to be my people and to be close to me and support me and keep me safe and I guess that really did take a toll on me and now I’m just searching for a way to trying to trauma release everything and remember.

I would also like to add something really important I forgot but basically I have almost no memories of me throughout my childhood up until I would say roughly 10 years old and I realised that yesterday because I went to a place that was beyond blessed and an eye opener for me and I had been there again years ago and it wasn’t like a crazy age like five or even they say six where I wouldn’t even remember I was pretty old and I should’ve at least remembered a little bit but I do not remember anything at all and I guess the only memories I have of my childhood start from somewhere around 11 when things started to get bad for me and most memories sure I have good memories but I also have a lot of bad memories. I guess I could remember from detail and some that are still very clouded and I just I want one look those memories.