Title: [19F] I am a lesbian, but I struggle with internalized homophobia and wish I was straight. Will it ever get easier?

TW: Internalized homophobia, unsupportive friends

Hi! I don't know if anyone will read this, but it is very important for me to write this down somewhere, because I feel true despair over this topic. I am very sorry and deeply ashamed that you are reading this. Please forgive me.

I have always known and felt that I like women. Ever since childhood, on screen and in books, I always admired them and thought how incredible they were. I was convinced that this was only because I wanted to be like them, and that was it. I grew up in a homophobic country and a very religious community, so my first thoughts about the queer community were negative. I remember we used words like "hmo," "pnk," and "ble" (local slang used as slurs) to demean queer people. I subconsciously felt that it was wrong to insult them like that and that there was nothing wrong with same-sex love, but I couldn't help it. Whenever I even started to entertain the thought that I might like the girls on screen or my friends, I felt so disgusted and sick. I didn't want to be a part of the "hmos," and I didn't want my parents to think I was like that.

Then I went to school, where I experienced bullying because I was always a bit "different," a "nerd." But eventually, I made friends, among whom was a boy I later thought I was in love with for SEVEN YEARS OF MY LIFE. And all because he was very attentive, and all my friends kept asking when I would finally get a boyfriend. But even then, I didn't like any boys! Eventually, I forced myself to believe that I liked him; I had a real fixation on him because I wanted to be like all my friends. This only intensified when all the girls started falling for him and he began dating them. I thought I was jealous of him, but in reality, I was jealous of him over those girls. I truly liked some of them, but I hated myself so much that I felt hatred toward those girls too.

I figured this out because the internet finally came into my life in middle school. I had already started guessing that I was a lesbian, taking all those sexual orientation tests, searching for movies, TV shows, and fanfiction with lesbians like an addict, but I only ever came across huge age gaps, tragic endings, and explicit sexual content. And I realized this was the end. If I admitted it now, there would be no going back. So I started saying I was bi.

But it wasn't true, and I knew it.

Everything changed at 17. I got my first girlfriend. At first, it was just wonderful, but it only lasted three months. We broke up because she hid our relationship from everyone and was still suffering over her ex. Now she lives with a husband and sends me greeting cards for the holidays. She once told me that I was only good for sex.

It was a painful breakup, but it helped me realize that I AM A LESBIAN and nothing else.

In the fall, I entered the university, moved to another city, and started openly telling everyone about my orientation and having a great time with other girls. But I had—and still have—problems because of my straight friends. They constantly asked if I wanted to be with them, tried to kiss me, and pressured me about when I would "outgrow it" and find a boy.

Eventually, I found a slightly older girl. We didn't start dating, but we confessed our feelings to each other and agreed to move on. Ultimately, she went back to her ex-boyfriend, and I accepted it. But one evening she called me, said she was dumping him, and wanted to be with me. I went to her place. She hadn't dumped him, as it turned out the next morning.

They got married this spring.

It was the most painful experience of my life, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to recover from it. My parents still don't know about my orientation, and I'm afraid to tell them. And all my friends are dating men and telling me that I am worrying for nothing, because eventually, I will manage to outgrow it all. AND I REALLY, REALLY WANT THAT!!!

I have tried going on dates with men, but I feel absolutely nothing for them, not even a crumb! So I understand that, most likely, I won't be able to change anything.

I am so sad, and I would desperately like to change myself and become straight or bi. Because I don't know if any woman will ever love me, and if she does, will she just see it as temporary, like everyone else? I am 19, and I'm sorry if I sound dramatic, but I really don't know how to be a lesbian my whole life. Will it be this sad all the time? Will I always be taken so unseriously by the people around me?