Why do I have to feel this way?

I’m not actively planning anything to harm myself but I do not want to be alive most of the time. I feel like everyday is the same and I’m losing my mind. I am numb, but I have to pretend it’s not affecting me as much as it really is. I don’t want to feel like a burden, I already feel worthless and unlovable. I am surrounded by people that care about me but I still feel so alone. I’m taking steps to not feel this way but it’s still so difficult. Ranting here because I don’t have anyone else to express this to.