Don't know what to do

I've only ever lurked but I have no idea what to do other than scream into a void and ask for help from anyone.

I'm 27m and have been stuck without friends, relationships, or any career advancement from a dead end lab job for years. I'm fat, ugly, lazy, and stupid. Any time I tried to change things in the past it never worked and I've given up about a year ago when I couldn't afford antidepressants anymore. I can't afford therapy either and the last one I could afford wouldn't see me anymore because it wasn't helping. I haven't stuck to my budget in a year and my money's running low, I spend too much on alcohol and nicotine and can't quit either after trying multiple times.

I have online friends and stay busy on weekends with them, but its not enough to keep me sane. Every time I hear my coworkers talk about life or a family member get some milestone I just want to dissapear.

I feel like nothing I do ever makes things better and that I can't change anything about my situation. I hate my life and myself. I don't even want to see my parents anymore I'm so ashamed of everything. I've always thought things would get better after the next school achievement or graduating college but nothing ever has. Is this all life is? I've wasted my entire 20s and nothing I do helps.

I feel like I'm just waiting to die at this point since nothing ever gets better.

Any advice appreciated even if I doubt it'll help