Both marriages I’ve entered into have hurt me immensely

I’m a 44 year old female (although I feel like a 15 year old) and I have been emotionally wrecked TWICE by marriages I’ve entered into with men who I thought would be gentle with my heart.

I’m still kind of clinging on to my second marriage, even though I’ve lived separately from this husband for 9 months (I left him after 7 weeks of marriage. For context we are Christians so to be able to move in together/sleep together in a non-guilty way we had to be married, which we did after 18 months of dating).

I feel like he wore a mask the whole time we dated, and once we married he dropped it. He no longer wanted any sex that was consensual. So I left. But I still adore him, and we are both emotionally needy, so we have remained jn touch via text and occasional phone calls.

He refuses relationship therapy, and also acts like nothing has happened after he has a temper tantrum/I try to break up with him.

Tonight I am crying because I have always been super soft and gentle and sensitive and tried my best to love my first and second husbands, but have been met with anger and disdain.