First Heartbreak. He spoke about marriage one month and said he’s been losing feelings the entire time the next. We are in unofficial no contact.

I’m 18F and my ex is 17M (both rising HS seniors). I’m not an idiot who got left back btw. I’m top 2% of my class. He broke up with me on July 3, and it’s now August 13. I still cry every day and genuinely don’t feel like I’m getting better. The relationship lasted 6 months, but we were friends for two years by the start.

I want to explain the timeline because I feel like if I only explain the breakup, people won’t understand the context.
How we met
When I first met him, I actually didn’t like him. We were freshmen. He was short, had long dark hair and glasses, and was acting kind of strange. Eventually we got closer and I developed feelings for him. He sprung up like 5 inches and we had really good chemistry. We would call for hours almost every week and had a watergun fight tradition after the last day of school yearly. He was fun.
He also had a history of being uncertain in relationships. He had a crush on one girl and eventually blocked her, and another girl he asked out lasted about two weeks before he broke up with her.

We started talking consistently in December of junior year. We flirted over phone calls and eventually went on our first date. He stole my purse and ran away. I chased him for 2 blocks. His card declined at the cafe. I paid for the date. He acted so awkwardly that I felt sick for the next 2 weeks. I literally talked to ChatGPT trying to figure out why I didn’t like him. I lost all attraction. Then I fell EXTREMELY hard for him.

He said all the right things. I genuinely pictured us being together long-term. I started thinking about college decisions with our relationship in mind. At one point I genuinely thought, “I’m going to marry this person.”

And HE was the first to talk about marriage. He said he didn’t want his mom to meet his bride, “which is hopefully you.” About a month before we broke up, he defended me when a guy from his swim class was teasing me and said something along the lines of me being the girl he would marry. He even wanted to give the guy a stupid monologue. I begged him not to because I didn’t want him getting into a fight.

So I wasn’t imagining the seriousness of the relationship. He voiced it to me. He even said at the end of May, “all the other girls I liked I doubted. Not you though.” He has strong religious beliefs and struggled a lot with guilt and shame surrounding sex and pornography. He told me he had a pornography addiction and claimed to quit.

Around two months into our relationship, in April, he actually pretended he was grounded because he wanted an excuse to distance himself from me. I eventually found out (he told me later) . He was also deleting his Snapchat messages because he said he was scared things would be used against him.
How in the hell does someone delete 2 months worth of messages?!!! It’s insane!!! Instead of communicating that he was struggling, he made up a reason not to see me. I was struggling too at the time because of friendship issues. I changed since. I’m a reformed person. He even forced me into therapy, saying he would break up with me if I didn’t. I was hugging him and crying. I was telling him I’d let him BUY me if he wanted to. I was disrespectful to myself. Insanely so. At one point he needed 24 hours to decide whether to stay with me. The next day he decided to stay. It was a dopamine hit unlike any other.

I also felt like I constantly had to reassure him that I loved him. I hid parts of myself to please him. When politics came up I just shut up. (I’m more left leaning than he is) When religion came up…I just shut up. (I’m an atheist)
We eventually became sexual although we never had intercourse. His religious guilt seemed to get even worse. After the first time we did oral he gave me the Jesus talk. It made me feel dirty. I don’t think he was trying to hurt me. I think he was genuinely struggling internally. But I was the person who ended up being pushed away.

By mid-June he became distant. I fought for connection and he slept until 1 PM every day. I’d flinch at every notification. I would ask him if he still loved me and he would say, “Of course!” That made everything even more confusing because he was still capable of being loving. There wasn’t one massive event where he suddenly became a completely different person.

July 1
We were caught together at his house by his mom. His father found out and subsequently forbade him from seeing me. Nothing bad was going on. We were literally just giggling. His mom was strangely calm and even said “it’s okay sweetie” after I apologized. This happened 3 days before the breakup.

July 3
He broke up with me. Over text at first, but he had been grounded so I was afraid it wasn’t him but rather a parent. He told me his dad forbid him from seeing me. I reached out to one of his friends. MIND U I WAS AT WORK SO I WASTED MY BREAK ON THIS SHIT. (Cause I was at work at the time)

He told me he didn’t love me anymore and that his feelings had faded. He said “it’s not you, it’s me” and that I deserved someone better because he was too uncertain and “flippy floppy.”
I was devastated. I smiled at him as I cried. He told me I deserved someone who could give me love.
I thought, “I deserve what I want. And I want you.” I don’t understand how someone can talk about marrying you and then shortly afterward tell you they don’t love you anymore.

I understand feelings change. I understand relationships end. But I cannot emotionally comprehend those two versions of him. I asked him if there was any point where he felt unsure. He said it was always on and off and that sometimes he really did feel certain. WHAT THE FUCK. AM I RIGHT? DECIDE!!!

One of his friends later told me that even before my ex and I met in person, my ex had already believed that he had crossed some kind of moral boundary and thought there was little or nothing he could do to undo what he believed he had done wrong.That made me think about his guilt, religion, porn issues, family issues. It was so confusing. Part of me wonders whether his feelings actually disappeared or whether he became overwhelmed by everything in his head and around him.
But I also don’t want to make excuses for him. He hurt me. His constant uncertainty hurt me. Being told he didn’t love me anymore destroyed me.
And this is the embarrassing part: I still love him. A lot. I don’t just miss having a boyfriend. I miss HIM. I want to kiss him. I want to hold him. I want to talk to him. I want the normal little things back. I still cry every day. I feel like I’m mourning an entire future I thought I was going to have. I genuinely pictured going to college together, continuing our relationship, and eventually marrying him. I know that sounds extreme at 18, but that’s how seriously I viewed this relationship.

HE EVEN TOLD ME HE WOULD WAIT 4 YEARS FOR ME.It was all lies bc he couldn’t even wait another month.
I don’t forgive him for everything that happened. I’m hurt and angry with him. I saw him at his JOB (that he said would be hard to manage if he was also dating me while we were breaking up) Mind you I had TWO jobs for around the last month that we dated. I saw him inside first then he disappeared and as I was leaving I saw he was on break. He told me “sorry for being a bad boyfriend” when we spoke. I just smiled awkwardly and told him “yeah you were terrible sometimes.” I didn’t accept the apology.
But I still desperately want him back.

What should I actually do?
Do I completely let him go and accept that it’s over, or is there any realistic possibility that this could someday be repaired if he actually works through his issues?

I’m looking for honest advice, even if it’s not what I want to hear.
I’m not blocked on anything btw. I accidentally ran into him once but that’s it.

TL;DR

I’m 18F and my ex is 17M. We were friends for 2 years and dated for 6 months. He talked about marrying me, reassured me he loved me, and I genuinely thought we’d stay together through college. He had always been uncertain in relationships and struggled with religious guilt, porn, and communication. He became distant in June but still told me he loved me.
We were caught together at his house July 1, his dad forbade him from seeing me, and he broke up with me July 3, saying his feelings had faded and he didn’t love me anymore. He called himself “flippy floppy.”
I still love him desperately and cry every day. I’m struggling to understand how he could talk about marriage shortly before saying he’d been losing feelings. Should I let him go completely, or could this realistically be repaired someday if he works through his issues?