ARFID and gym

!TW: Body image, Weight Gain, Weight loss, Hospitalization, Mental Health Disorders!!!<

Hi so I’m 18 F, been struggling with arfid since I was around 1yo, and always been really underweight my whole life, didn’t grow properly at all until recently, and been really sportive most of my life. I also have adhd, and throughout the years developed depression, worsening anxiety, social anxiety, ocd, and avoidant personality.

Until I was in between 8th and 9th grade, I never got any significant help for my arfid, also because I got depression in 7th grade.

When I was in between those grades, I got hospitalized with a feeding tube, and after that I gained weight over the course of the about 24 months.

I always had insecurities about my body. Specifically because I was really short, really small, really underdeveloped as a teen girl, and always got criticism for both my body and my eating habits. Another thing that happened is that I looked very very young because of that and was being bullied for lying about my age, and being treated as younger than I’m, which also lowered my already lowered self esteem.

I was in sports regularly since i was really young and was in ballet, rhythmic gymnastics professionally, and was in shape, both aesthetically (somewhat despite being really small) and physically.

When I was around 9th or 10th grade, I was way more exposed to gym culture on TikTok and muscle gain and stuff, and the whole protein intake thing, and I really wanted to go the gym because I was already insecure about my looks, specifically because I also gained some weight and my muscles that I had earlier were less visible. It made me even more insecure and I started obsessing over influencers on TikTok and compared myself a lot to them.

One reason I was also struggling to get treatment, is that to this day, I’m still struggling with severe depression and avoidance, which makes it hard for me to function. I was also so obsessed with those influencers because I was jealous they would function in a way that I couldn’t and didn’t deal with the eating problem I had.

Another significant reason, is that my safe foods are really what’s called “unhealthy foods” and very much carbs, less protein, and a lot of processed fats and oils. When I went to dietitians and my family around me, were always criticizing my food choices and telling me I was eating badly and I’m “going to kill myself” or “get diabetes” or “get other chronic illnesses” or develop other eds.
So when I saw the same repeated content on my for you every single day, i eventually stopped eating for a while also because it was already overwhelming enough with arfid, but depression and adhd made it even worse. I stopped doing it after a while when I realized I was hurting myself a lot through that.

When I was in 10th grade I was the “heaviest” (I was at a pretty normal weight for my height and age) I felt insecure a lot because as I said I was really influenced by gym culture and muscle visibility, which affected my self esteem a lot. I’ve never really wanted to lose weight, I always wanted to gain weight and didn’t see my body as in that I look bad, just not how I desire.

After that, in 11th grade my depression got worse and I lost some weight, but was still insecure about myself.

After that, around December of 2025, I lost even more weight because of worsening depression again and became even more insecure and scared about myself because I was noticeably skinnier and already started getting more comments on my body again which affected me a lot.

I got hospitalized in a psychiatric facility in February of this year, 20 days before my birthday, and was there until July. Throughout that time, I ate way better than ever but wasn’t being treated for arfid at all and did do some sports as part of the school program there.

I kinda discharged myself not in a way that wasn’t really good. And since then my depression became really bad again and I lost even more weight because of that.

Currently I feel very conflicted about myself, because everything is entangled in each other. But the reason I’m making this post is to ask, has anyone here dealt with something similar? I really want to get healthy again, gain weight, but also look how I desire and not look sick, but I have no idea what to do. I really want to go to the gym, because I do like this aesthetic (to some degree, not bodybuilder stuff at all, just like moderate abs and some glutes) and I do like strength training, but I also want to incorporate normal cardio activity and endurance, as part of just being active again.

I have really strong difficulty with food that is protein rich and I wanted to know if anyone has some recommendations on how to make it easier?

I’m planing on going to CBT, exposure therapy, psychological therapy, ED informed dietitian, and psychiatric evaluation, but currently I don’t have access to any of that. I would really appreciate help and advice. So sorry for the long post. Just thought these details will help🩷